I'm writing this post in the hope that I can get some clarity on a situation that is weighing heavily on my mind this Christmas. Possibly because I've been alone and had time to think I suppose!
I've been in a relationship with Bob for 6 months now. It is NRE central, but both of us honestly believe that long long term is on the cards for us. We are disgustingly happy with each other, and compliment each other in an amazing variety of ways. If I believed in such things, I would consider him my "soulmate", and I know without a doubt that he feels the same (I really only include this to try and indicate that despite the problems below, leaving him is not an option I am willing to consider at this point).
Bob is married to Anne, and has been for more than a decade. They have teenage children, and are also very happy together. They have been poly for a few years, and while she hasn't had much luck with finding serious other relationships for herself she has dates and play partners. Bob and mine's relationship is not of a "secondary" nature despite this - neither of us believe in heirarchical poly, and sure, his kids and family come first but only in case of emergency and he has plenty of time with all of us. Anne consistantly claims that she is happy for me to be in his life.
The problem: me and Anne do not get along. At all. We don't openly argue or anything of the sort, but we have nothing in common, nothing to talk about, and when we do, I feel as if I am making 99% of the effort and she is treating me like I'm stupid or like a child. She is a fair bit older (16 years) and seems to act as if because I have never had kids/built a house/am generally younger my opinions hold no value.
Until the last week or so me and Bob had been discussing the possibility of building a giant communal house with each of us having our own space in a few years. Sure, it's early to be talking about this stuff, but our relationship has become very intense in a short period of time, and mono people move in early all the time so why shouldn't we talk about it hey?
I had always had hopes that this would work out but lately I am becoming concerned that me and Anne will never be comfortable even in adjoining but separate houses.
We recently had a very awkward evening out where I ended up quite upset at being shut down the whole time, so I have currently said that I will no longer be going to visit at their house - while he primarily comes to see me here anyway, I have been going up for dinner and hangouts with everyone and I can't take the awkwardness any more.
So, questions: how have others managed strained metamour relationships?
We're only 6 months in - is there hope for things to settle as we move longer down the track even if we don't like each other? Is not having anything to do with her sustainable in the longer term (we have some overlap in friends, but I can bow out of events she will be at)?
Should I try to talk to her personally about this? Does anyone have any advice for how to approach this? I know this seems a fricking stupid question but I'm not sure how to say "so, you don't like me. I don't like you. How do we deal with this because Bob is not leaving either of us any time soon?"
Thanks all. Sorry for the long winded post.