Originally Posted by Minxxa
Opal-- that's kind of what I was trying to say and couldn't find the right words yesterday.
I think that if you're a person with really good self esteem, really good boundaries and a good judge of character who also has a strong sense of self (i.e. you know your boundaries and have no problems sticking to them), then this article is a bit of a "duh, no kidding."
If you're somebody who is a good judge of character and knows what they think their boundaries should be but has had trouble sticking to them, or has been raised in an atmosphere where setting boundaries (i.e. not letting the other manipulative people do what they want) was frowned upon and emotionally beaten or guilt tripped out of you, then this article can be a reassurance that you are not a bad person for setting boundaries and keeping people who are not healthy out of your life. I say "bad person" because people WILL try to make you feel bad for not playing along.
And if you have no good boundaries and have a habit of picking people that are bad for you-- then this article can be a good starting point to learn what inappropriate and unhealthy behaviors are and start to see how to choose better, and what to look for in other people's behavior (both good and not so good).
Not all of us are at the same level, and so I can see why this article is alternately interesing and boring depending on where you're coming from.
This. So much this.
Not everyone is in the same place regarding boundaries and trusting their own judgement, and some people need the bluntness or they won't see it.
I am more aware of my boundaries than I used to be, and better at seeing behaviors that are testing the boundaries than I was. I used to be pretty good at avoiding certain problem behaviors that would have hurt me, but really bad at avoiding others because I was trying to be nice.
Escalating favors and guilt got further on me than picking on my self esteem, because of my own patterns and the way I was raised to think about myself. But that wasn't something I was consciously using. It was something I just did....sort of like how I believe common sense isn't really common anything; what it IS is something that you learned so long ago that you have forgotten learning it. What is common sense to some people is completely unknown to other people. Sometimes it's regional, and sometimes it's the knowledge that your family either passed on to you or concealedfrom you/messed you up with.
My sister in law had to learn her boundaries from scratch. They weren't something she was raised to have because it would have interfered with her mother's and sister's messing around in her life. They weren't going to let her learn to protect herself if they could help it. A list like this would have helped my sister in law very much.