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Old 12-26-2011, 10:54 AM
polyexplorer polyexplorer is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Australia
Posts: 62
Default My wife's gone poly at last but now I need healing!

Hi All,

It's been a while since I've posted, so a quick update...

I have been married for 20 years to my wife and we have 3 daughters. 6 years ago I fell in love with another woman but was still madly in love with my wife at the same time. I had never heard of polyamory and was firmly entrenched in the monogomous culture. I did not want to be dishonest with my wife so I was open about my feelings all the way through.

My wife tried to be OK with it all, but was not. Eventually she called it off and we had to abandon the woman I had fallen in love with. I use the word abondon because we were both helping this woman overcome childhood abuse issues, and trust and abandonment were huge for her.

Needless to say, the pain of having to leave her, and the pain of knowing the enormous pain we had caused her were extreme for me.

All along I always felt that my relationship with this other woman was right and I held on to hope that maybe one day we may eventually be able to have a relationship again. In the meantime, because I maintained that the relationship was right, but that I also still loved my wife, we both started a journey of questioning everything. 2 years ago we stumbled across the idea of polyamory and this took our questioning journey in a new direction.

Eventually my wife started to come around to the whole concept. And 2 weeks ago she met a guy. She has fallen head over heels for him and tonight she is at his house for her first sleep over. I am delighted for her, and also going through my own grief of no longer being her "one-and-only". But I knew this grief was inevitable and it is just something I need to go through. (So this post is a little bit of therapy for me while she is out tonight..

Now here comes my question...

For 6 years my wife has battled with me over the whole issue with this other woman. She complained about all sorts of things and struggled to allow me freedom with her. Now the shoe is on the other foot! She is doing almost exactly all the things now with her new man that I was doing with this other woman. But this time I am giving her complete freedom and supporting her all the way, because this is how I would want to be treated.

But what this does for me is raise all the pain and hurt that I have felt from my lost relationship. I haven't even met the guy yet or even spoke to him (that will come...), but I am way more supportive than my wife ever was even though she had become really good friends with the other woman.

I really am glad for my wife and am supportive. But the pain that it is raising because now she is able to have the kind of relationship that I have wanted for the last 6 years but have been unable to have (and also now may not be possible because the other woman has been really hurt too and has found a new partner herself in this time...).

Any thoughts about how I heal from this kind of pain amidst the NRE that my wife is feeling and having with her new relationship?
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