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Old 11-11-2009, 04:09 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 5,510
Default As requested by Ceoli :)

Believe me-for as obnoxious as it might sound-it freaking works. After 11 years together-we suddenly found happy doing this. And I do mean SUDDENLY-the DAY we started doing the step I outline below our whole life changed. I'm sharing it here as Ceoli asked me to after I shared some of it on another thread.

IF you want a RELATIONSHIP you have to COMMUNICATE.

Not talk.


Name calling, yelling, walking out, these aren't helpful in communicating.

Slow down!


For example, YOUR take on safe sex.

You say ONE sentence, he repeats it back in HIS OWN WORDS "If I understand you correctly you are saying _____. Is that correct?"
If so you say yes. JUST YES.
Then he can ask "is there anything else.

You get THREE sentences. THAT IS IT.

Then it's his turn and you do the SAME THING.

Once he gets his three you switch again.

KEEP GOING until you BOTH understand each other's point of view.

THEN GO HOME and digest it.

[This step is easily skipped-BAD IDEA!!!! Each step was designed for it's ability to benefit YOU and YOUR relationship. Don't waste time by skipping around-the steps work TOGETHER.]

THEN come back and do it again about dealing with it.


"I don't feel I can have a sexual relationship with you because I don't feel safe with your terms for safe sex".

"If I understand you correctly you aren't feeling safe and therefore you want to stop having sexual relationshions with me. Is this correct?"


"Anything else?" [no sarcasm, be sincerely interested]

"Yes I love you very much and I want to be friends but I don't know how to change the dynamic of our relationship without hurting you/me."

"If I understand you correctly you love me and even though you don't feel safe enough to have sex with me you want to remain friends but aren't sure how to get from where we are to being friends without causing damage. Is that correct?"


"Is there more?"

"I am scared that you don't love me as much as I love you and therefore you won't care about how important it is to me to have you in my life."

"If I understand you correctly you are afraid I don't love you enough to work through this with you so we can remain friends. Is this correct?"


"Ok so to paraphrase, you love me and want to keep me as an important part of your life but you aren't able to feel safe having sex with me due to my choices in regards to safe sex. This makes you feel hurt, frightened and disappointed. I can understand why. I would feel hurt if I thought you didn't love me as much as I love you and I feel frightened just thinking that there is a chance we can't find a way to remain friends at the very least. I imagine it's disappointing to you to think I wouldn't care about these things like you do."

At this point nothing has been "solved" but a connection has been made with your partner and understanding has been achieved about what the issue REALLY IS for your partner.

Now you switch and maybe it goes like this...
"Love As Thou Wilt"
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