Originally Posted by grim64
Judgement comments don't help but i suspect there are a few who tune in here who simply detest the fact this began out of an affair.
If this is directed toward me, I don't detest anything about your story (really do you think you are that important to me?). I've been involved with married cheaters in the past. I've cheated once or twice myself many many years ago when I was very young. When you set your ethics aside for lust, and choose not to control your desires, it is an easy trap to fall into.
It doesn't matter at all to me what you do, but you asked for opinions and advice. I wasn't being judgmental; I simply stated the facts as you presented them to us: You cheated and lied, a flat-out betrayal of trust. Your wife will not accept or agree to polyamory and told you it's either her or the au pair. You still want to move the au pair in anyway and continue that relationship while still married, despite what your wife has stated. That is selfish in the sense that you know your wife will not stand for it yet you want it anyway and are trying to figure out how to get what you want. You have not expressed any remorse for hurting the woman you married nor spoken at all about repairing the trust between you, the foundation of your marriage. It would seem that if you want to carry on with the young woman with whom you cheated, you will have to divorce your wife.
If not divorce, then your choices are to start cheating, lying, and hiding again, OR you re-invest in the relationship you have with the woman you married and then betrayed, before making any more attempts to negotiating for polyamory. If there really is love between you and the au pair, you both should be able to wait until you can manage multiple relationships from a healthy place. Opening a marriage from monogamy to polyamory simply won't work without a strong and healthy foundation of trust, respect, truthfulness, and lots and lots of searingly honest communication.