No, it really is not a payback type of thing with me. I had plenty of offers after he had cheated, but I turned them all down, because at the time, we both believed monogamy was the only option. The lack of sex thing has been a constant problem with him all along. He also had this problem with the other girl. I think it has something to do with his life-long depression problem and high performance anxiety. He seems to have no problem watching videos and relieving himself, but when it comes to doing it with a real woman, he is never very successful keeping an erection. I was always understanding and patient about it and we've used Viagra sometimes, but it's too expensive so we can't get it very often. He is 41, by the way, and so is the other guy. I'm 47 (but look 32!
In the meantime, I've been grappling with feelings I've had for him and this other guy, but just tried to ignore the feelings. When I read about Polyamory, I felt it might be just the solution for me...and maybe even him. I found out recently that he still has feelings for the girl he cheated on me with, so maybe it's time for him to explore that relationship again, guilt-free. However, we both think she would not be open to it, because she always put lots of pressure on him to leave me when he really didn't want to. I even befriended her by email, giving my consent but telling her she needed to let him do whatever he needed to do to figure things out. But she just wouldn't accept that, and even though she was married and cheating, was trying to force rules on my boyfriend.
Back then he didn't want to lose me either, but felt a strong pull towards her, so he just saw her without telling me. After I found out, he stopped seeing her briefly on his own accord, he was so scared I'd leave. But I didn't. I told him to go and see her and see how it would be, if that's what he needed. So they did for a while, and he still saw me, against her wishes. After about 6 months, he said he didn't want to be with her anymore and broke it off. But last summer, he was missing her and feeling bad about leaving her that way, and was thinking of writing her a letter, but then didn't. I don't know why not.
So....I think the Polyamory lifestyle just recognizes the fact that people can and do fall in love with more than one person at a time. I think it's right on the money. I'm talking to some friends in my community to see if they've heard of it and just trying to create some awareness around here. I see we have a slew of people nearby on waiting lists for Poly meetup groups. Maybe I should start one?