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Old 12-24-2011, 08:13 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Originally Posted by melblankenship View Post
The only problem is, my husband is not interested in a v at all. He has been burned really bad in the past and only wants something we can both be involved with together.
Well, it sounds like your husband has imposed a concept on your relationships, based on his fears. It sucks that he was burned before, but you can't drive a car forward if you're only looking in the rear-view mirror because you're afraid the car behind you will smack your rear bumper. It's inevitable that looking backward will make you crash. When you say you must all always be involved together, do you mean sexually only, or do all activities and emotional investment have to be all three of you all the time? Obviously, that is unrealistic and will likely make things worse.

If your triad is going to survive, you have to nurture all four of the relationships that are part of it: you and him, him and her, her and you, and all three of you together. Each of these relationships will have their own dynamic, and you can only benefit by acknowledging that all of you are three autonomous individuals (NOT a couple plus one) who have differing needs, wants, desires, and rhythms. Each pair should go out on dates and get together for activities that are non-sexual, as well as having private intimate times. And if it turns out that she's not really as compatible with you as she is with him, let their relationship develop and you go date someone else. Your husband's "rule' is unrealistic and is probably contributing more to the problem than either of you realize (it sounds more like a swingers' rule than a poly thing) and should be renegotiated. Also keep in mind that your gf just might be biamorous but not really bisexual.
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
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