I am here because I want to be a better partner, to make poly work.
I was operating under the principle that I have stated, we have agreed that we are in an open relationship. This means I'm going to be flirting, maybe get a phone number, be chatting with other people, going to coffee or some other date, maybe even getting to kissing.
To me, this is pretty simple, innocuous sort of stuff that happens a lot. I was in another relationship before Nyx that was an open relationship. I might go to a party, talk to another girl, get a number, go on a date, maybe it didn't work out. I would mention it to my partner later that week or maybe not, but it wasn't a big deal either way. It seemed well understood that those sort of things would happen and we didn't need to fill out a full detailed report on every little incident. Now if the date went well or we were interested in someone and knew things were progressing, we would talk in more detail.
So back to the first kiss. I mean, I had told Nyx about Bee, she knew I was interested in her, she knew I was going to go beyond no-contact flirting, so why should I feel guilt at kissing her? Guilt because she didn't know the exact moment it happened? What is the proper action? Should I stop just before and say "hang on, I need to call my g/f and let her know I'm about to kiss you." or send her a text just after?
I settled for mentioning it the next day in a response to an email she sent previously.
I didn't feel that kissing Bee was inconsiderate or wrong in any way in regards to Nyx. But maybe I'm wrong about that. I guess my feeling is that it is between Bee and I, and doesn't change how I feel about Nyx. And I don't know if it changes the way Nyx feels about me, but my first instinct is that it does not. Momentary discomfort, but not something that changes ultimately how she views me.
I DID know that it would bother her to know we kissed because she would start to conjecture that I'm going to like Bee better or want to spend all my time with Bee now or dump her for Bee.... but I have been up and down those conversations with her, my stance being that those ideas about what I'm feeling are from a monogamous paradigm. I'm not deciding which one I want for my one and only, the way a monogamous person would be doing if they were dating more than one person. The anticipation of having this conversation yet again is the dark thundercloud, not the feeling that I've acted in a way other than the EXACT way I've illustrated that I planned on acting the entire time.
My pattern has been to tell a prospective partner that I want an open relationship, to detail what I mean by an open relationship and then act in a manner consistent with my stated intentions.
How can I use these incidents to be a better partner?
I've been leaving it up to Nyx or whomever my partner is to tell me when they are so uncomfortable about a situation or to let me know when they "can't take it anymore" and want out of the relationship. Maybe I shoud start to take the initiative and say "I don't think we're compatible."
I want the freedom and trust of a partner to whom I can say something to the effect "I may flirt or otherwise interact with other women; I will let you know if any of these get to a point where I think there is a possiblity it could blossom into an actual romantic love interest." and have her trust me.
Originally Posted by YGirl
Theoretical polyamory, anyone?
- I'd like a definition for this one... maybe we could add to the the "Definitions For Legion" thread?
Or are you simply saying that it's impractical to enjoy a moment without thinking about all the implications, consequences and reprecussions for those actions?