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Old 11-11-2009, 03:19 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nyx View Post
The problem with L is that he is a person (self-professed) who is inclined to 'risk it' and that bothers me more than I think he understands.
I'm not even close to done reading-but on this I have to disagree.
The problem isn't with L here. It's with compatibility. It is OK that it bothers you more than him-but that isn't a problem with HIM. It's a problem in that you are on differing pages.

IF he doesn't understand how much that bothers you-again that isn't a problem with L. It's a problem with COMMUNICATION between the two of you.

I read your thread, his thread, some related threads. My response in his thread I think holds true for my opinion all the way across.

I think you two are totally missing the point.

It's not about "love me" or "love you" or even "love someone here and someone there".

IF you want a RELATIONSHIP you have to COMMUNICATE.
Not talk.
COMMUNICATE.

Name calling, yelling, walking out, these aren't helpful in communicating.

Slow down!

TAKE ONE PERSON'S SINGLE SUBJECT

For example, YOUR take on safe sex.

You say ONE sentence, he repeats it back in HIS OWN WORDS "If I understand you correctly you are saying _____. Is that correct?"
If so you say yes. JUST YES.
Then he can ask "is there anything else.

You get THREE sentences. THAT IS IT.

Then it's his turn and you do the SAME THING.

Once he gets his three you switch again.

KEEP GOING until you BOTH understand each other's point of view.
THEN GO HOME and digest it.

THEN come back and do it again about dealing with it.

Example:

"I don't feel I can have a sexual relationship with you because I don't feel safe with your terms".

"if I understand you correctly you aren't feeling safe and therefore you want to stop having sexual relationshions with me. Is this correct?"

"yes"

"anything else?" [no sarcasm, be sincerely interested]

"yes I love you very much and I want to be friends but I don't know how to change the dynamic of our relationship without hurting you/me."

"if I understand you correctly you love me and even though you don't feel safe enough to have sex with me you want to remain friends but aren't sure how. Is that correct?"

etc etc etc.

You get the picture???

God the posts you two wrote sound like Maca and I fighting before we started doing the communication training! Believe me-for as obnoxious as it might sound-it freaking works. After 11 years together-we suddenly found happy. ANd I do mean SUDDENLY-the DAY we started doing the step I outlined above.

Counselor says all the time
"connect before correct"

Connect-make sure you understand, then correct misunderstandings so you can make adjustments and then decisions.
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