It is a very common scenario for newly poly male-female couples to seek a woman who will be into both of them. The problem with seeking a triad in this way is that there is almost always a stronger connection between the new person and one partner or another, and that's where the problems begin. Successful, awesome triads do happen but they tend to happen serendipitously. When you set out with it as a goal, all too often you're trying to fit a relationship into a box that ends up making one or more people involved uncomfortable and feeling like they're not shaping up to the "ideal", or like things are unequal, or like they're moving too slow or too fast. It's hard enough to handle things in a way where two people feel good, when you expand it to three it has to come naturally, if there's any stress it will break apart.
The best advice I can give is this. Let go of your expectations around this woman. Accept what's happening in place of pining after what you envisioned, because it'll never be just like you envisioned, human nature and the nature of intense interpersonal connections are too variable.
It may be that what is developing is more of a "vee", in other words a relationship where two people (you and this new woman) share another person (your husband) with varying degrees of closeness between them (in some vees the "wings" of the vee are extremely close, nearly indistinguishable from a triad except for some differing internal dynamics, in some they're merely cordial).
Or it may be that the relationships here simply need more time to evolve into what they want to be.
Either way, this woman doesn't have an obligation to give you what you want from her sexually in order to "make up" for how compatible she and your husband are. That's a heck of a lot of pressure to layer on top of the sometimes-scary process of figuring out a new aspect of your sexuality. And pressure ain't good for the libido, so in addition to being unfair it's counter-productive.
It seems like the sexual dynamics here are really bugging you, but the thing is you can't force them in any one direction, you can only make sure everyone is being fulfilled within the dynamics as they are. Are you and he still getting ample alone-time together? Would it be easier for you if she and he had sexual alone-time, since their intensity together seems to distress you... that way you wouldn't have to see it? What if you and she had sensual alone-time together, then you could explore your level of intimacy in a way that was just about the two of you, and not about comparing? Poly as a joint venture for couples is great in theory, but dyad dynamics are important to budding relationships and not to be ignored.
Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.
Last edited by AnnabelMore; 12-22-2011 at 07:36 PM.