Thread: How to explain
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Old 12-22-2011, 06:51 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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I have been with my monogamous live in boyfriend (MonoVCPHG) for three years now and it was not easy. My blog tells the whole story if you are interested. He also writes here although not so much lately. Together with other mono people here he has written and tagged the most tagged threads on the forum so far. You can find them if you do a search in the tags for "mono/poly." We facilitate workshops now on monogamy and poly and how to find ways to make it work.

In a nut shell we have discovered that we will always be compromising who we are. We likely will never reach an agreement on boundaries that work for us both so we dance around them and feel uncomfortable when the "neutral zone" has been gone into. Feeling uncomfortable has become a way of life in some areas. I thought that might be an issue, but it hasn't been.

With the boundaries I have with my poly loves there is an understanding and the boundaries are right up against one another... with this boyfriend there is a huge gap where we both stand at the edge on either side and neither of us can budge one inch further. We have tried many times!

We have also realized that we speak different languages and come from different cultures with this. We see it as having two different religions or having been brought up in different countries, because that is what it feels like. With that we have been able to be patient, explain how we feel more without assumptions that the other would automatically know and don't expect that the other would know so we bring stuff up right away. The biggest challenge has been finding some kind of common language. This is how we started our here, we were searching for ways to hear each other.

The whole parents loving more than one kid thing didn't go over well with him as he saw it as incest. Having sex with your child is not acceptable and neither is having sex with someone that isn't your husband. That kind of talk. I guess if you are a person, like me, that enjoys a connections with others first over sex (at least this is what I work on) then I guess the kid thing kindaaaa makes sense, but for someone that is poly that is a into sex in a more casual way the kid thing makes no sense to someone that is mono at all. Frankly it doesn't to me either, but then I don't have two kids... I have one.

Ya, lots to learn on this one and lots of banging your head on the table for both of you.... good luck.
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