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Old 12-21-2011, 03:56 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: US
Posts: 2,153
Default self-esteem and breakups

Originally Posted by STBF View Post
Another factor to consider (this is the big one) is that for most of my life, I've been very emotionally needy and completely reliant on external validation...

I remember that when I first started dating my gf, the appeal of polyamory was quite simple: More people to love. This most likely doesn't sound like a bad thing to any of you guys but try to understand that this was coming from the thought process of a person with severe codependency and self-esteem issues.
Originally Posted by STBF View Post
Thanks. I'll admit that I don't really understand the stigma surrounding break ups. I would expect them to be bittersweet but not horrible.

I see something in your words above that I want to point out. You've struggled with valuing yourself without needing external validation to feel worthy and loved. It's great that you have worked on this issue and have made what reads like great progress. But you appear to still have some self-esteem difficulties.

I've noticed that people who lack self-esteem often feel like ending a relationship with them is not a difficult or a hard thing to do. That breaking up is not a big deal because, well, they are not really worth having around anyway. The loss of their presence is not really a loss at all. You may not get why breakups are significant - and that's ok. You don't have to.

But what you must understand, so you don't inadvertently cause pain for your wife and gf, is that the loss of you would hurt, would indeed be a great loss. You would be missed horribly. You matter to them. They love you and want you around. You've noted that wife is working on keeping a relationshp with you. I'm sure your gf feels and acts similarly. So while you may not value your self in quite the manner you should (I'm glad you are taking steps to deal with this), breaking up with them would be painful, difficult, and very hard - on them. It would indeed be a terrible loss for them. (And for you too of course but that's not my point.)

I'm still not clear why you feel the urge to end these healthy, giving, loving relationships. However, I get that in order to be the new you, you may need to be by yourself for an undetermined amount of time. That ending the relationships might be what you need to do. But understand that the loss of you would be a real loss.
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