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Old 12-20-2011, 11:32 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Join Date: Aug 2010
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Originally Posted by SoCalExile View Post
That's a great question and one I don't know how to answer. I'm hoping the MFT can assist with that. The only thing I can think of is to keep telling her I love her. While that's great and all, it's pretty short on specifics, isn't it? At some point it's just going to sound like a platitude.
It will sound like platitude until you guys (both of you) can get into specifics. The MFT should be able to help.

She's asked me some very direct questions like "how many lovers do you think you'll end up having?" and "will you wear a condom?" and "will you be spending the night elsewhere a lot?" (!)* These are flustering me and while I actually have thought about them and do have answers I'm afraid of triggering more jealousy with them and seeing things spin out of control.
These are very good questions and likely are part of her fears. Tell her what you said here and give her your thoughts to her questions and ask for her input. She may be imagining things you would never even consider doing, but she doesn't know that because you are afraid to talk to her.

I'm very conflict-avoidant and, as I've mentioned before, don't want to lose her. That would be a disaster.
Tell her this. Look up "non-violent communication" and discover how to actually have those hard discussions without putting each other on the defensive (also how to diffuse a situation that starts to get out of hand). My husband is also very "conflict-avoidant" and it has caused a great deal of harm to our marriage. Stuff that could have/should have been addressed and dealt with immediately got pushed aside and avoided. This just led the way for a shit load of resentments to build by both of us. We are still working on the hard discussion thing, but have made progress and it makes a world of difference.

Here again, the MFT should be able to help, but you might have to bring it up so it gets addressed sooner rather than later. I think this is a big and very important issue to deal with.
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