[kirsten]

That strong connection I had with Aurora became muted by the distance. I think that I had to numb myself to those feelings because it hurt too much to be apart if I didn’t. It was an unconscious coping mechanism. At this point I really need to renew that connection. I’m not 100% sure it will still be there because it’s grown so faint. We have discussed this and are going to wait and see what happens when we see each other.

I’m going to visit them next month. I haven’t met their kids yet but we talk on skype and they like me. I worry about juggling time with each person, when there’s a limited amount of time. The kids are important in there too, I see how they crave more time with me. I anticipate there being some emotional moments if one person’s needs aren’t getting met, just because I saw that when I was in my previous relationship and dating Aurora. But I feel like the three of us (me, Aurora, Drew) are pretty sensitive to each other’s feelings and needs and able to work through things.

Aurora has never made me feel like I am secondary. She isn’t comfortable with the hierarchical system that some poly people seem to use (she has started to learn about the poly community since I introduced her to the term). However, Drew has made me feel secondary. His kids are the most important thing to him, and keeping the family intact is one of his highest priorities in life. It’s happened twice that he thought that his relationship with me was upsetting her, and he was willing to break it off with me in response. It makes me feel like I’m disposable to him, but I don’t feel disposable to Aurora.

Aurora and I talk about everything, sometimes things like that, which Drew probably doesn’t intend to reach my ears. Sometimes when Aurora shares the things that happen between her and Drew I feel a bit awkward, like I know something that I’m not supposed to. When I wasn’t involved with Drew, it was sort of like, best friend venting about husband. Listen, be supportive. Now it’s a bit more complicated than that because what goes on with them effects me. Sometimes she shares things that I don’t think Drew would be ready to share with me, because we’re not at the same level of intimacy. I haven’t asked her to censor herself but I just feel uncomfortable at times.

One thing I realized once I finally met Drew is that a lot of what Aurora will share about him is non-verbal cues that she picks up on. I don’t pick up on them very well and I have a hard time reading him. I’m so verbal, and so accustomed to talking about emotions, and he is not. I actually find it harder to talk about that stuff with him, when normally I am fairly open with anyone I’m close with.

All three of us have issues under the surface. Drew seems to bottle up emotions and push them deep down inside. Whereas Aurora and I can’t help but have our emotions bubble up and over, whether it’s sadness, anger, whatever. I haven’t fought with them, I think it’s too early for that, but they fight from time to time. They seem to work things out though.

I don’t really feel like I can tell my real-life friends about all of this. I told one friend who I consider to be pretty open-minded, and she thinks that it is doomed to fail. She is trying to prepare me for that. She also doesn’t really understand poly--she has said more than once, “ultimately, you’ll want to be the one special person to someone.” I could have done better to explain the poly thing but she really has her mind made up. And is trying to save me from poly.

It’s weird to me to live with my friends not knowing what’s going on in my personal life, but my closest friend is from a country that’s pretty sexually conservative. I think this would be a bit too much culture shock for her. One other friend knows that I’m dating, because she met Drew briefly when he visited. Though I didn’t mention that he’s married! She is worried for me because I got out of a bad relationship recently. So I feel like you layer poly on top of that and it’s just ... too much for people to understand. I did just come out to my codependence group recently though.

I do worry about all of my issues impacting my decisions, my relationships, etc. The distance is forcing us to take things slowly, though and I’m hoping that will help with that. I am still sort of figuring out who I am, in the absence of a partner. I think it’s a really good time for me to be living alone and working through my issues.

Plus I’m dealing with a lot outside of my relationships. Real life has been rough lately. But I’ll omit details due to the aforementioned paranoia about my ex recognizing me. We aren’t officially poly-fi but I don’t have room in my life right now for anything else. Aurora doesn’t seem to have any interest in anyone else. Drew likes to play with other women from time to time but his most recent plaything was causing friction with Aurora. She didn’t approve of the way he was being treated, and just generally disliked the woman.

Aurora likes to daydream and plan, and she ends up talking about future plans a bit more than I’m comfortable with. Up until recently, I would be like, “I haven’t even met Drew yet! I’m not going to assume he will father my children.” (I’m in my late 20s, they are older but would welcome more kids.) It helps that I’ve met him now but I need to spend more time with them both, and meet their kids. I want to take this slow and allow it to develop naturally. Sometimes I feel like she’s pushing things along. She’s so sure that I am “the one,” the one that she’s been looking for. I am just being careful, because in my previous relationships, I really haven’t been. (All two of them - it tends to take me a *really* long time to realize a relationship has gone bad.) At least Drew is happy to let things evolve naturally, gradually, to let me set the pace. Aurora will say that she is, but inside, she wants to push forward.

I welcome any advice for navigating a triad, comments on my situation, whatever you guys can offer.