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Old 12-20-2011, 10:50 PM
kirsten kirsten is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 22
Default Accidental triad

I know this is going to be long, I appear to be incapable of brevity when it comes to personal stuff. Thanks in advance for reading!

As much as Iíd like to get everything out in the open, I have an ex that I donít really want knowing about my life. I know the chances are slim that my posts here would garner any attention but I am paranoid. If I include all the details of what brought me here, it would be easily identifiable.

So! Iíll just say that through a series of events, I began a long-distance relationship with a woman who has been in a poly marriage. My previous relationship ended shortly after (although that was a very good thing for me). Iíll call my gf Aurora. This was my first poly experience, although I had been poly-curious for a while.

Auroraís marriage was poly from the get-go. She wanted a long-term gf, while her husband tended to have more casual relationships. She did have a live-in gf for awhile. Funnily enough they were not aware of the word ďpolyamoryĒ or the poly community, but had worked out a lot of the basics of healthy poly relationships on their own. Aurora has an amazing sense of how to have healthy, good relationships, despite coming from an abusive family of origin. She helped me to realize how unhealthy my previous relationship was.

Aurora and I have an amazing connection when we are together. Itís hard for me to explain it, but I have never felt so connected to another human being in my life. When weíre apart, we communicate really well. Both of us need to talk through our feelings, sometimes in order to even understand what is going on with our own feelings. We have been each otherís sounding board in that way.

After my prior relationship ended, I felt that I needed a break to work out some things. I put Aurora in the ďfriend boxĒ for a few months. We still talked every day, but didnít talk romantically or about future plans. She was really great about this. Iím sure it was hard for her. She tried to not pressure me and said that she would wait for me to be ready.

In the meantime I started to work on my own issues, largely codependence. I was really oblivious to how unhealthy my relationships were. I just lived that way automatically, like breathing air, just doing it without thinking. I am seeing an individual therapist and am also part of a small group. I feel that Iím in a much healthier space already. I know that I still have work to do, though. A lot of it is childhood issues that I need to work through.

I began being romantic with Aurora again in August, both talking romantically and being intimate (all long-distance, use your imagination). Also talking about future plans. We will have to do the LDR thing for about a year and a half. I was planning to relocate at that point anyway. I would like to move to where she is, or at least close. It may be financially hard for me to live in the same town as she does. Depending on circumstances I may move directly in with her and her family but I think it would be much healthier to live separately, but within driving distance, first.

Now, all this while, I got to know my metamour very gradually. Her husband, who Iíll call Drew, is very introverted. He was very supportive through the demise of my previous relationship, but his support was mostly conveyed via Aurora because heís so shy. According to her he has been very happy for her, and happy that she found me. She was looking for a long time. I think she had given up when I sort of fell into her lap.

Drew started to talk with me more in September and as I got to know him, I found myself attracted to him. All three of us had known there was potential for a triad but I wasnít comfortable with the idea when I scarcely knew Drew. And there was never any pressure to go in that direction. Both Aurora and Drew are very big on no pressure, no expectations--whatever happens, happens. Which has been so important for me as I was dealing with the end of my prior relationship.

Drew and I were flirting more and more, and one day in September I initiated skypesex. I didnít really think through that decision, I just was following my libido. Drew and I started a LDR after that. I was a bit anxious about getting involved in a triad because of what Iíve read here. But it felt really good and natural to be with Drew in that way. It just felt right.

Drew and I both wanted to meet each other, and Aurora felt strongly that we should get to know each other without her (or their kids) around. So Drew came out to visit me last month. We had an amazing physical connection, although he holds back emotionally much more than I am used to. When he was here I realized that I rely on Aurora to interpret all the non-verbal signals that heís sending out. But he did open up to me, and I think for someone like him, thatís a big deal.

When it was just Aurora and I, I felt like there was something missing, and felt like I would eventually go looking for someone else to fill that hole. After meeting Drew I feel like he is what was missing. There is this sense of completeness that is hard to explain. It might be as simple as, I need a man in my life, because I am a bit more oriented towards men than women. But what I have with Drew is very special to me. Aurora has been full of compersion for us.
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