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Old 12-18-2011, 07:31 AM
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BrigidsDaughter BrigidsDaughter is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 822
Default wandering thoughts on living, loving, and learning

So I guess I'm finally doing it. I'm not much of a blogger, but here goes.

I guess I'd better start off by introducing myself in some way. (See I told you I wasn't very good at this.) Brigid's Daughter is the name I chose for myself because it represents 2 important things about me; the goddess that I revere and that I am a daughter. I am also a wife, mother, and girlfriend.

Runic Wolf and I celebrated our 11 year wedding anniversary 13 days after I turned 30 and 30 days after our son, Yoda, turned 10. I've been with my boyfriend, Wendigo, for 2 1/2 years. Two years and two months ago, we brought Wendigo's wife, Pretty Lady into the mix and became a quad. Sometimes it feels like longer, sometimes it feels like it can't possibly have been 2 1/2 years ago. I'm bisexual, but in many ways, Pretty Lady is my first and I am definitely her first and getting either of us to make any moves is akin to pulling teeth, we're so tentative with each other, but I'm getting ahead of myself a bit.

Like many of the poly stories we've all heard. I didn't come to poly the pure way. I made mistakes, we all did, I got caught up in NRE, lied to Runic Wolf when I absolutely didn't have to, because I didn't know how to admit that our best friend had built himself a room in my heart before I'd even hired the contractor so to speak. Wendigo and I thought we were going into the situation with our eyes wide open, discussed all the possibilities for weeks before coming to our initial agreement and we still fell prey to NRE... perhaps because it had been so long since we'd experienced it we'd forgotten how crazy it could be. In the end there were tears, there was tons of communication between him, Runic Wolf, and myself (and between he and Pretty Lady), and there was forgiveness. Trust has been rebuilt, but I've learned that doesn't mean that the work can end.

I honestly was terrified of talking to Pretty Lady at first and so our first real conversation was several months later than it should have been. But I explained to her my own personal view of poly.

I dug this out of our first e-mail:

"I believe that you can love more than one person in different ways. I also personally believe that there are people who are fated to come into your life. That those people each carry with them a piece of your heart, but only one person carries the other part of your soul. I found my soul mate in Runic Wolf and there are people, like Wendigo and Stew that hold a piece of my heart. I'd be less of who I am without them in my life. There are a handful of people that I've adopted - they called out to me on a psychic level. But Wendigo's the first person that I adopted without meaning to. Over the last year he's become one of the most important people in my life and I believe that would still be true even if we'd never slept together."

That was followed by my feeble attempts to express my attraction to her. And I'm still hopelessly terrible at that.... I can tell Runic Wolf and Wendigo my fantasies about her, but in the time in-between our infrequent encounters I forget how to flirt with her. Which sucks, because I miss her ALOT.

Just today I was thinking that I wanted to write her a letter; it's almost Wendigo's birthday again and we never did talk about what went wrong last year. Wendigo and I talked it to death and I know she was right beside him while we were chatting, but I guess I need reassurance. She's been so busy since then, she had just started an editing job and had 2 books to write as well, and then there was the family stuff, so I understand and I know she misses me, because she tells me so on fb every so often or in e-mails (always in reply to mine because neither of them are any good at initiating e-mails), but I wonder if she misses me in *that* way.... the way I miss the taste of her and the feel of her skin under my nails. I almost got up the nerve to ask today, but then Wendigo contacted me on skype and used my birth name, which everyone who knows me is only pulled out when something is serious, wrong, or both.

My first response was "ok, you used my full name, do I need to brace myself over here?" His reply was that things have come to a head and their living situation has gotten bad enough that Pretty Lady and her sister are in screaming matches. So when I go to pick him up Monday he isn't sure where that will be. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for them, to find an apartment. Somewhere they will have their own room AND be allowed to leave it. Right now they live in the master bedroom and their son shares a room with his 2 cousins. Not the most ideal environment, but it was supposed to be temporary. That Pretty Lady wants to move out is saying something, she's been adamant about staying on the family land so as to make sure it isn't' foreclosed on for the whole length of our relationship.

When their house collapsed, we offered them our basement for their room and Runic Wolf offered to give up his office for their son to sleep in. While I would love to live with them, I know how important it is for their son to stay in his school district - he's helped bring his school's drill team for JROTC to several championships and I wouldn't want to take that away from him. Though the idea of them having their own place intrigues me; it has been so long since the days when I'd arrive to pick Wendigo up and find him in just a towel or robe at his computer; Pretty Lady typing away at her keyboard in her office. I miss having that for them. And it would be nice to go to their house on Friday nights again.

Runic Wolf has been working his ass off this past week. Twelve hours yesterday; eleven today; still trying to make time with our family even though he's exhausted and in pain. I admire him so much! He takes such good care of me. I've been holding back on pouncing him for days, in part because I'm afraid I'll break him.

The only thing I really struggle with, internally, is how to deal with situations where Runic Wolf and I don't get sexy time for one reason or another and then suddenly it's the day I see Wendigo and I want to have sexy time with him, because it has been a couple weeks (usually). Sometimes I hold back from Wendigo because I don't feel that it will be fair to Runic Wolf. But that isn't really fair to Wendigo, though I know he will wait and watch if I decide to pounce Runic Wolf first. And it isn't that we can't go for weeks or months without having sex because we can and we have, but sometimes I just don't want to AND sometimes, I want the guys to pounce me. I don't care if they talk it over ahead of time, but every once in a while I want them to seduce me, tease me, tag team me, or just tie me up and beat me silly.

But this isn't the time of year for that. It's the time of year for exhausted husbands, stressed out lovers all around, and me wanting to take care of them all as best I can.
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