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Old 12-17-2011, 12:33 PM
KindaPOd KindaPOd is offline
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 40

Obvious that you don't intend to treat her as an equal
My equal as a human being and as an individual? Sure she is...maybe she is a better person than I am. I don't think that highly of myself so the bar isn't high.

Equal in the relationship dynamic? She's kinda my secondary, while I'm her primary. Lots of inequality there.

Now, maybe you *have* gently communicated to her that you want your relationship with her to take on a more secondary form, and discussed what that could look like and what would work for you both. If so, kudos. I couldn't quite tell from the above posts.
Yep, I have. For years.

Having your feelings change doesn't make you good or bad, its all in how you handle it and the level of compassion you show.
I agree with you.

do you want to be married? Why? Why does she want to remain married ...out of habit ..nice house ...what?
Staying for our fifteen yr old daughter.

We're living paycheck to paycheck. A divorce would empty our bank accounts pretty quickly.

What's her response in taking a secondary role ? How does she define her relationships as far as primary and secondary? ...meaning is the bf a secondary ...or co -primary or is everyone equal?
Her response is that she wants to be my primary. I'm her primary, her bf is her secondary.

I said that it would benefit her more if she dedicated more time to her bf and placed less of her attention on me. Old loyalties die hard.

Whats the bf think about all this?
Here's a transcript.

bf: Maybe you should spend some more time with Mrs. KindaPOd and work on your marriage. I'm getting kind of worried.
me: I spend as much time with her as I'm willing to. Also, try and relax.
bf: Oh.

So is any of this 'fair' to you or her ? No. That is life. Sometimes we cannot find the truth, sometimes our brains and hearts make the decisions for us.
You have a way with words and I agree with you.
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