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Old 12-17-2011, 04:29 AM
km34 km34 is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 624
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I call myself emotionally stunted for one reason, really. I have a VERY hard time showing people how I really feel. My only complaint about my childhood is that my dad used to tell me to not be so emotional and I took it to heart. If I am feeling overly emotional, I have a tendency to go into a room by myself until I can calm down. I have been working on this, but it still takes a lot for me to be able to put myself 100% out there when it comes to emotion because of being judged for it in the past (and not just by my dad... but that is a-whole-nother story complaining about religious leaders not using common sense in sensitive situations).

As for being needy.. It goes away in time, it is really only an issue of me being sure of where I stand with a person. The problem here is that I have a hard time telling where exactly I'm rated. I understand her child is going to come first and that her relationship with her husband is going to take precedence, but if it is a choice between being with me and being with her extended family I have no idea how she would choose. The fact that she only seems to text/call when she has a specific question kind of makes me feel like I'm not that important. The only time we have an idle conversation that isn't face-to-face is when I initiate. Is this me being overly needy or is it fair to want to talk once in a while - besides the 2 times a week we see each other - without having something specific on the agenda (i.e. What time are we all meeting up this weekend? Do we need to bring anything to this party?)?

As for expecting her to change, I don't. I guess I just hope that after a while I will get over this habit of putting too much weight on what the future holds and be able to enjoy things while they last. I really don't expect my relationship with F to last forever. I don't think it can for all the reasons you've all pointed out. She and I want different things, my emotional baggage making it even more difficult. I just don't know how to go back now that we've taken this step. Is it possible to go back to how we started as just friends and playmates? Or even just friends? F and M are two of my best friends, and I know my husband feels the same way and I would hate for my inability to be satisfied with having the here and now to get in the way of that. BUT I know it's not fair to myself or to F for me to act completely happy with the current situation when I'm not.

I suppose it is time for me to yet again put my big girl panties on and have a heart to heart with F. Maybe this time I'll be able to avoid covering myself from head to toe in a blanket with only one eye peeping out (and no, that is not really an exaggeration...). I suppose if I keep bringing up my desire to be in contact more frequently she will either get the idea or decide I'm not worth the trouble.
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