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Old 12-16-2011, 05:26 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Near Disneyland
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Originally Posted by KindaPOd View Post
Don't know if I'm being passive-aggressive. I mean, if I'm going to be aggressive than I prefer to skip the passive bit and get it out into the open. It's just simpler for everyone.
This sounds so like my husband. Everyone around him would call him passive aggressive (not to his face, I'm the only one stupid enough to do that ), but he would deny it to the hilt. His logical mind saw no point to it and therefore he didn't think he behaved this way, until the therapist pointed it out in specifics. It was a big stepping stone for him to realize this and we were able to make some progress in our relationship.

Hell, I'll try to keep an open mind. There's a good chance that I'm just acting like an infantile prick. Not something that I'm proud of but I'll own it if that's the case.
Sounds passive aggressive to me.

The way I see it, I want my gf to be my primary and wife to be my secondary. From what I've read, it's considered poor form amongst the poly community to pull the old switcheroo.
Likely, because the whole premiss to poly is adding more love to your life, not replacing one person with the other. It doesn't sound like you can do this, be it from being hurt so badly or it's just part of your nature. If I had to guess, based on much of what has been said, the hurt you feel from the past did a lot more damage and went deeper than either of you realized.

I understand why my wife wouldn't be happy with that, but I did tell her that this could happen years in advance. Guess I'm just surprised that she is surprised.
Because to her that concept doesn't even compute. I know a few people that tried for years to fix their marriage after some severe hurts took place and they just couldn't because at least one partner could not get that connection back. Sometimes, once that connections is lost, no matter how hard you work, it just can't be repaired. When you break a bone, once set and immobilized for a few months, it will eventually repair its self, but stretch certain muscles too far and the damage can be permanent (even though they are still attached). This permanent loss of connection is hard for many of us to understand, but it is just as real as being able fully love more than one person.
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