I can't figure out why she is still there. I would be hurting, terribly so.
Doesn't seem like a V to me. More like a Mono with this X that hasn't left yet. (no offense to her). I am sorry that you were brought into this situation. It really leaves you in a bad position. It puts her in bad situation. It is not your fault they have this issue, but it certainly affects you.
It is like she has to be a stalker in her own home, just to try to get affection. She is up there all alone night after night after night while her lover showers another with whatever affection he has the capacity to offer and with holds it from her. And doesn't care at all about how hurt she is. I don't see where the love between the two of them is, at all.
I was so afraid of this happening to me. It sort of did. Hubby and I like to shower together, but when another was in the picture he would sleep a little later and shower with her. Then when she was practically living with us she was always in the shower with him and it was never me anymore. I did talk to him and he remedied the situation. It was NRE, but he needed to work on it and because he truly wanted to love us both he did.
Why does he have so much disdain for her?
If he can't handle loving both of you I wonder if he is even polyfolk. Have you guys thought of getting your own place?
Please don't take my words harshly, like I said this a bad situation for you as well.
Does he have a clue about how bad this is for you to? I know that you talked to him about it but it really is not OK for him to just say, "well I can't stand her" and just leave it at that. If he dislikes her affection so much, why didn't he just tell her it doesn't work for him and move on, set her free. And, why on earth doesn't she escape it. I couldn't handle it with no affection, month after month, whether or not there was another love in the picture.
When I opened my mind my heart got bigger.
When we place preconceived expectations on those we love we neglect to consider their individual goals, needs and desires. We fail to respect them and love them for who they really are.