Responses - part 2
BrigidsDaughter - On your first point, he had been sleeping mostly in the basement and every once in a while sleeping with her in her room. He told me if I needed a space that I should claim his area and it would be both our area or just be my area when I needed it to be.
I can see how this would all feel to her as you say, however, I have reason to believe that this devolving with them was happening long before I came around. Thought I didn't know it before, I'm definitely seeing proof of it now. Also she was happy that we were engaged, since she knew she would never marry him. She told me that herself. We also all 3 sat down several months ago and had a conversation that has been reiterated many times since that I really didn't want her down there when I was sleeping especially. This keeps coming up because she just doesn't follow that even though she agreed to it.
I realize now how cold I sounded about the nightmare issue, I myself need comforting too. Please understand that I was typing out of anger and frustration at that point since it had just happened (again). But I do feel that she could have at the very least woke him up and asked him to come upstairs because she needed him instead of trying to settle in to sleep. Right after I moved in there were times where he would stay with her in her room and I never went into her room. I just feel that it should be reciprocated.
I like the idea of a lock, but I just don't think we're allowed to since we're in a rental...
Derrall - I agree that if he's wanting to continue this relationship with her that he should make more time for her. However, even after all my encouraging him to do that, he simply just doesn't. I can't make him, either he wants to or he doesn't and honestly it feels like that's an issue they need to work out. I don't know if there is anything I can or should do about this. But in the meantime I can't be trampled on in the process.
As I've said in previous responses, he didn't cut off sleeping with her when I moved in. They were already sleeping part of the time in separate areas. A couple months after I moved in though even that waned despite my encouraging him to stay with her.
sevechten - I've asked myself and him that very question... he says he doesn't know or evades the question. He avoids her advances well enough and has told me that he feels really annoyed when she tries touching him. I have tried insisting what you suggested at the risk of sticking my nose into their business. I've brought it up twice, the first time he just said he didn't know if he could do that. The other time (several months later) he twisted it around to make it sound like I was telling him he had to get rid of her.... I can only think this latter response was more about him lashing out and projecting his thoughts and feelings about himself onto me. Because I certainly never told him to get rid of her. I'd never think of such a thing... I may if she were seriously abusive, but that just isn't the case here.