I do realize as a mother that I need to help him find resources to work this out. I feel terribly guilty for bringing this woman into my life, and my son's life. I keep telling myself that with all of the love that I get from hubby and my boys, why did I need to bring anyone else into my family. I feel that I was selfish and greedy, how much love do I need? I am surrounded by love and people who won't hurt my kids so why did I even risk it? The flip side to that is, should I never make any new friends because I already have enough so why risk having anyone new around, cuz ya never know if they are the boogie man or not.
Pressing charges is something he doesn't want to do. Believe me, having her charged is something that I would do if it was only going to affect me. My anger and outrage toward her is very real. He told me that he doesn't want to go through the drama of it all BUT, if she caused problems for us in some way (as retaliation for throwing her to the curb) he would be willing to fight back to protect our family.
Right now, he just says that he wants to put it behind him...just move on. He doesn't understand the long term effect this can have on his own personal relationships in the future. Plus I wonder how guilty he feels for doing it with my lover, I am sure he feels responsible for my pain....so I didn't let him see it. All I let him see was how I love him, I never even suggested that he was culpable in anyway and that what SHE did was wrong, he was after all the victim not the perp.
My current plan of action is to keep researching and educating myself on the subject. Sharing some of what I find with him so he can learn also. Additionally, I am trying to find someone in the poly community in my area who can recommend a therapist who won't turn me in for being a pervert. Just one more thing that I can blame myself for....living a lifestyle that damages my credibility to the point that it is difficult to reach out and get help for my kids, after they have been damaged by MY choice to live an alternative life style. I don't want to make the problem worse by having a therapist decide that my home needs to be investigated by DCFS, can you imagine how awful my son would feel and how traumatic that would be for him?
My oldest son was molested about 22 years ago by a neighbor who he would sometimes hang out with while I was at the grocery store or something. I was a young single mom and when it came to getting help from the police they completely failed me. They did not do the proper investigation which requires them to notify DCFS so that DCFS can conduct the interview since they are trained to deal with small children. After getting no where with the police I called DCFS to get help with finding him a counselor. That is when DCFS told me that the detective should never have interviewed my child himself. DCFS called me back after talking to the detective and the first thing he asked was if I had ever been molested, my answer was no and then he told me that he doesn't think my child will need counseling. WTF??? I was only 21 at the time and was blown away. DCFS had just told me the detective didn't follow procedure and now I am being questioned as to whether or not I was ever molested? And you don't think my son needs help. SO, you don't believe me, well I am a young single mom after all.
I was working and going to school at the time and living in subsidized housing. Without the help of the authorities to tell the property that I needed to be transferred to a different facility the only way I could remove my son from the situation was to stop attending college, work more and find a non-subsidized apartment. That is exactly what I did. I called the detective about 4 weeks later to find out what was going on and he told me that my neighbor, the perp, told him that I watched porno's, WITH MY SON. This was the 80's, many people didn't own VCR's and I certainly did not have one. No cable TV either and since I didn't have a car it wasn't real convenient for me to travel out of state to buy porn where it was legal. But apparently that was good enough for the cops. So, I don't always see the authorities as my friends.
Yes I was living in government funded housing, but unlike many who lived there I was working and attending college, so I could get the hell out of there and make a better life for myself and my child. To the police I had no credibility, I was just another crack head or something to them.[Not that crack head's deserve to be violated and then have the authorities ignore it]. All I needed them to do was acknowledge that it was a possibility that it had happened and that they had recommended that I move, I could have just been moved into another low income facility that I could afford without dropping out of college. You can see why I don't trust the authorities to have my back on this.
I know what my responsibility as a momma bear is. Actually it is just natural instinct. That is why my immediate response was to STOP all relationship with her without a second thought, and not let my panic get the best of me. Hubby helped me think clearly and develop a plan to get her out of our lives completely before telling her that I knew so that hopefully she wouldn't have a chance to try to talk to my son and further mess with his head.
When I opened my mind my heart got bigger.
When we place preconceived expectations on those we love we neglect to consider their individual goals, needs and desires. We fail to respect them and love them for who they really are.
Last edited by pollyshari; 12-15-2011 at 10:48 PM.
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