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Old 12-14-2011, 10:48 PM
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fuchka fuchka is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2011
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Default Out of whack

Sage gets here tomorrow late night. Trying to finish up work for the year before heading away next week. Away for just over a month, will be a decent break if I manage to not get twisted into too much family stuff. Will be good to have S by my side. Heaps to do before that though, trying not to get strung out, but things are getting emotional.

Carob teary this morning, not looking forward to me going, afraid of things changing; we're feeling the ramp running out and it's making our emotions pretty wacky.

Wish I had time for more cuddles. Dealing with emotions is important, but sometimes you gotta to defer that stuff cos other things need doing too. Ah, striking the balance. Hard to be productive when you feel upset, hard to take time to talk when you have impeding deadlines... When things are like this I really feel the time-suck of poly stuff. I wonder whether I'm doing the right thing, by following a path that requires so much intense communication time.

In a way it's worth it, in a way it feels maybe selfish?

Had dinner with C's ma, her boyfriend, and C's brother last night. Went well, food was good, and it was great to spend time and chat.

I kind of joked about something in conversation that touched a nerve for him.

Earlier this year C and I were both presenting at a conference. At the end of his speech, he made crazy poetic declarations of love to me, something like "you are the meat to my salt", was hilarious and cute. I was surprised and touched but also a tad embarrassed... I don't usually wear my relationships on my sleeve, and it felt a wee bit like someone putting a flag into me. Especially cos the conference is more his scene, as in, he knows more of the people there than I do. But it wasn't a problem for me at all, it was a really loving gesture.

When I presented, the person introducing me said that I probably have something to say back to C. I said something along the lines of "you seem like a nice guy, don't call me, I'll call you." Was in good fun and it wasn't an issue at the time.

Anyway I thought it was a funny anecdote and I shared it at dinner. Seemed to go down well but this morning he was saying that it made him feel weird, that I could be embarrassed by that. After talking a little, I realised we're both kinda messed up with how to conceive of next year, the looming LDR, and that's making everything heightened. Well. LDR for a year, but we'll see each other through the year. And it's not _that_ long distance. We should be right. But eh, it's been a hard year and next year will have it's own things going on. The growing gloom...

I just want a hug. From anyone, really

Little things are feeling like big things. I don't know whether to vent when it's kind of irrational. (Little things like me asking him to help me with the dishes before he left, and him heading off to work, maybe forgetting or caught up in his own thoughts. I work from home, so it feels sucky to be left with all the kitchen/dinner mess. Little things like that! I fear it's better out than in, but sometimes you say things in the heat of emotion that are much harsher than intended once the words cool.)

Glad I'm getting a holiday soon, seems like I need it

Last edited by fuchka; 12-14-2011 at 10:53 PM.
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