So after your first yr of marriage you decide to open up the relationship...and you think she had an affair and used the poly or opening as cover for this new relationship. You dislike the situation and every time she goes on dates you withdraw... after a period she puts calls a break form Bf and the 2 of you spend about a yr trying to recapture the old connection ....never quite getting things back ...so she decides to resumes her old relationship. All this time ( 8yrs) you've remained mono... correct. Then 3yrs ago you say fuck it ...its my time ...I'm going to find someone too. And then new troubles started.
The Affair/opening up conversation .... I think that wound if it is an actual wound or just an imaginary on has never healed properly. It might be water under the bridge but you just made mention of it 11yrs after the fact.
Did your wife notice this attention disparity in the beginning of your relationship or only recently? How long has she felt this way.
What you're saying is that upon restarting her relationship you told her that your connection to her would most surely diminish and now she is unhappy with that outcome and you don't really get it.
Do you feel inclined to negotiate at all on this topic? Will you negotiate on other topics?
You may need to inform her on what type of relationship you'd like to have with her now ....that primary thing is not all that it cracked up to be....some people need it other don't. I actually told my wife I didn't want to be the primary but thats another story.
Here's another thought who cares what any of us thinks...if you got scars and thus your feelings and connection have changed for your wife it seems natural that your time and attention would shift in the same direction. How bad do you want to be married?