Two wrongs don`t make it right,..you learn that in grade school.
Also,..your own words say that your wife made a choice to back off her secondary relationship when you had problems with it.
Your own words say your wife has problems with how you are handling your secondary relationship, but you don't offer her the same courtesy. Instead, you seem stuck with the chip on your shoulder.
Time to put on your big-boy pants, and stop punishing her.