I think everyone here is genuinely trying to be helpful, some do that by nudging some by pushing, but if you do more reading here you will see that people get a range of responses, including those whose relationships started as affairs. Maybe try a tag search for cheating and see what you find.
I think the negativity you're getting comes primarily from a couple of things.
One, you haven't yet acknowledged here any responsibility or remorse for the affair. You've instead said "We all got very drunk one night and to cut a long story short it resulted in me having an affair" and "it just happened and carried on" and "I really wanted her leaving to be the end of things" and "Thats life i'm afraid". All of these wordings imply that this is just something that happened to you that you had no control over. Maybe that's not how you really feel but we can't hear tone or see body language here, we can only go on your words and your words are saying that you don't see this as your fault.
Taking the stance that in some way the actions you take out of passion are beyond your control is extremely dangerous in poly. And while I don't think anyone wants you to crawl in a depressive hole about it, it implies to us a certain lack of empathy from you towards your wife for you to come here and not express regret for deceiving her for 9 months. A simple "I feel so bad for betraying her", if it happens you do, would go a long way.
Two, you've spoken in very little detail about your wife's thoughts on the matter. Again, maybe this is not how you really feel, but when her voice is largely absent it makes it seem like you're more interested in having us help you figure out how to get what you want, rather than in crafting a solution that will work best for everyone. Again, it makes it seem like you don't feel much empathy for her when you don't focus on her role in this drama. When you do mention her feelings you then immediately counter with why that won't work for you -- "my wife sometimes seems to say things about it that suggest she has thought about and then she ver anti the idea but i know its what i want" and "My wife has said 'well you have to choose'.....but i can't".
Polyq4 did ask above "have you had discussions with your wife in detail about this? What has she said?" and if you're still looking for advice we could probably give it much better with that information. Her feelings matter too here and while in your last post you acknowledge that, your previous posts haven't seemed to do so. Thus the negativity.
One more bit about the lack of info, we guess at things like the former au pair's motives because until your last post we knew so little about her aside from the fact that she worked for you and was a partner in this affair. We can't respond to nuance if we don't know what it is, y'know.
Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.
Last edited by AnnabelMore; 12-14-2011 at 02:23 PM.