This post could definitely use some advice. I have a current conundrum along with my update. Right now, I'm finishing up finals and I've been reasonably stressed out between school, a new birth control pill, preparing for the holidays, applying to grad school, dating and all that jazz. I'm almost done. I have one more paper due on Thursday and then I can finally relax, sort of.
I'm excited to be going back to NY for Christmas for the first time in a couple of years. It'll be good to see my new nephew and my niece who's grown so much! My grandparents are also having a lot of health problems so I'll be glad to see them especially!
In more scandalous news, I think I might want to have sex. Like really really soon. But I feel fairly conflicted. So awhile back, I decided to identify as monogamous and in my mind, I wanted that to mean that I didn't have sex with some one unless they wanted to be my boyfriend. In general, I wanted to avoid getting physically involved with some one period unless we were in a more committed dynamic. My friend E (one of Nurse's exes) had also decided to go monogamous when I did. Then a month or so later she ended up in another poly relationship. This one definitely seems to be a million times more healthy than the last but it made me wonder about my commitment to monogamy. Maybe I should just be whatever until I find that one? Like poly as a phase? But I resolved myself to monogamy, saying it was the healthiest option for me.
Not long after all of this transpired, I'd begun to feel a lot of anxiety with dating and had essentially stopped. The birth control was making me wig out and bringing up all these old fears and memories. So I'd stopped seeing the guys I was hanging out with and resolved to be really cautious since I was feeling anxious. Then one night, I was at a party at my neighbor's and for that night and the few times prior, I'd felt like this one guy, Ken (one my roommate's best friends), was maybe hitting on me but he was so attractive (like network television) that I figured I'd been imagining it. Then, we were alone in the kitchen and he kissed me. We ended up making out it the bathroom for a bit and then he suggested we go back out for a bit, so I figured we were done. I went back out but he continued to hang out in the kitchen alone, like he was waiting for me to come back in but I just couldn't. I felt kind of scared because I didn't know what he was intending and what I was comfortable with esp. since I was drunk. So, I went home and he and I haven't discussed it since then. But now, I feel super lusty towards him and have been kind of wanting to see if he'd be interested in hooking up again. I'm just afraid that he'll be mad that I freaked out last time or that he won't want to have sex with me because I'm inexperienced or that it's probably not even a good idea since we're in the same social circle. I don't know that I really want a relationship with him. I'm just not good at not getting attached so I don't know if I can just have an casual hookup and then go on dating other guys and not want something more with him? I feel conflicted because I'd like my first time to be in relationship but I also want it to be soon. I'm getting tired of waiting and I don't want to get super involved with some one right now since I might be moving out of state soon. I know that he's not my only option but he's super sexy and seems somewhat interested in kink or at least rough sex and he also seems like a decent human being. What if I really could just be like "let's have fun sex!" and then just not get involved? Brrrrr, I dunno.
Then, I'm going to coffee with a guy from fetlife on Sunday, so we'll see how that goes. He's new to the community.
I still pine a bit over Beanstalk but he's dating some one else now and he admitted that the age difference was a big deal for him.
I was so excited this summer when Nurse and I were together because I thought I was finally going to have sex and join the rest of the world, lol. I was super bummed when that fell through. Then, I'd hoped that Beanstalk and I might have sex but I knew pretty soon in that that wouldn't happen. Is it horrible that I'm conspiring to seduce Ken at a party while he's a bit drunk? I'm trying to assess if going through with this (if I get the opportunity) is something that I'll feel happy about afterwards.
Maybe my definition of monogamy needs revising? Maybe I miscalculated what was best for me? But it feels so hard to know... What if I just keep ending up in poly like E?