Did I suggest yet that you read other threads, do a tag search for "lessons" "foundations" and perhaps, now that you have mentioned it.. "DADT" It seems that part of the problem is lack of knowledge. Maybe if you both took some time to educate yourselves on what has worked for others and some of the theory of poly then there would be less flying by the seat of your pants and things working out better next time.
Hell I'll do the leg work for you. I often wonder if people actually take the advice to look at other threads... I wonder sometimes if I should bother... I never have time to do searches for people, but in this case I think you really need to get about reading.
There are many other interesting threads if you start doing tag searches. Just so you know.