Need some guidance - sleeping arrangements
I moved in with my poly boyfriend and his girlfriend earlier this year. He and I are engaged, though he hasn't given me a ring or anything formal (I'm not much on formalities anyway). He did ask me seriously though and I accepted. He has never ask his other girlfriend and doesn't intend to. She's said she doesn't want to marry anyway.
The new living in and sleeping arrangement is what the issue is right now though. Wasn't sure how the sleeping arrangement was going to work out since I hadn't been in this situation before. I kind of figured he'd spend some nights with his other girlfriend and some with me.
When I first moved in, this is kind of how it worked out and sometimes she'd stay in the room with us. However, I stopped this because I wasn't comfortable with it and she just started popping in whenever she wanted and her popping in unannounced was giving me panic attacks (I have problems with anxiety in general anyway). So i talked to them both and we agreed she wouldn't sleep in my "room".
So it's been about 2 months since I asked that she not stay overnight in the area that we've agreed is my "room" (It's in the partially finished basement). Since that time, he hasn't stayed with her at all. I've encouraged him to but he has chosen every night to stay with me in my room, til now it's become more of a given that he'll be there every night, tho I still remind him he can stay with her any time he wants.
Two nights ago tho, she comes downstairs in middle of the night to "fix" the router and wakes us up by knocking a bunch of stuff off the dresser. To me this seemed silly, I know sometimes she stays up late, but couldn't she have found something else to do if the internet wasn't working? She's got run of the entire house, tv, game consoles, computers, pc games that don't require the internet, knitting, books....
Then the next night, we get woke up because she trying to wedge herself between him and the wall and winds up knocking a book into the wall in the process, after which she quickly left. I had to calm him down because he thought it was a noise upstairs... he didn't even know she was next to him. This whole event spurred a panic attack in me and I couldn't get back to sleep for hours after that.
She said she'd had a nightmare. Ok I really am not trying to be an ogre here, but really adults deal with nightmares all the time without running to someone for comfort. Could she have not calmed herself down and then talked to him about it in the morning? I didn't tell her that I felt she could have dealt with her nightmare as an adult, I didn't want to hurt her or piss her off anymore than she is.
I don't know, I'm not trying to be callous, I just feel she didn't need to run down to him. I know she misses being with him, but there isn't anything more I can do about that. I've encouraged him to be with her and he doesn't want to. It seems though that it's something they need to work out on their own, without my sleep being disrupted.
I sent her an email since she hasn't talked to me since then. I explained to her as nicely as possible how I felt and why I didn't want her popping in like that. I asked her to imagine how she might feel if I kept showing up in her room while she was sleeping. She's mad at me now and won't talk to me, I found out she only read the first few lines got pissed and deleted it without reading my explanation.
I understand she needs comforting but... I feel stuck. I just don't know what to do and I'm at my wits end. I keep trying to make things harmonious but she keeps doing things like this that stirs everything up. Though I feel really bad that she's upset, this wasn't my intention. I don't think she should be coming into my room at night unless it's an absolute emergency (house is on fire), nightmares don't count.
Sorry for the novel, any constructive advice would help. Please don't be harsh to me, I feel bad enough already.