This is why DADT makes no sense to me, frankly. Like your wife, the idea that something could be ok if acknowledged but bad once spoken of is completely counterintuitive. That said, it wouldn't have been hard for her to just respect your request and not see this guy.
Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.