Thanks so much for replying!
I think a lot of BF's need for privacy comes from baggage he's still carrying. He has a somewhat strained relationship with his family from never feeling "good enough." Also, his last relationship before me, he cheated on her with a one-night-stand that resulted in the birth of his child. The whole reason we had/have an open relationship is because he didn't want to make promises (monogamy) that he felt he wasn't built to keep, due to the fall-out from the ending of that relationship.
Because of all that, I think he feels as though he should be ashamed of his life, and that it needs to be hidden away. As though anything but monogamy is deviant, or perceived as such. I don't think he actually *is* ashamed, but feels people won't understand and will judge him. He knows I won't judge, but it's almost a reflex now. I think also, in some sense, he feel as though he's "done me wrong" by not being monogamous, despite the fact that I'm very happy to not be.
We had a really good talk this weekend. Well, actually I
talked, but he very graciously listened. He asked me to describe what my ideal of our relationship would look like, what I would need and want from him, how it would be different from what we have currently. He asked for some time to think about everything I said, and I'm really excited to at least have started a dialogue.
Agree completely: Out of sight is not out of mind. If anything, out of sight gives a person all the more reason to worry and be anxious. There's nothing as scary as the unknown, and reality is never as bad as the horrors my imagination can come up with!
This is so freaking true! I keep telling him that I'll be much more secure and a better partnerif I just at least know what's going on.
I want things to be open and honest, but I know that's going to be hard for him. However, I think we made some good baby steps in the last few days. I sent him a link to these forums, so hopefully it'll give him some answers/ideas/thought-provocations