Hi? Please give me some advise on how to deal with this situation and how avoid trouble moving foward? Thanks
I've been married 6 years and me and my wife recently decided to open our relationship up. I've always kinda thought this was normal and was actually surprised when she came to me about it a couple weeks ago. What prompted it was that she was at the bar the night before and almost kissed a boy. She apparently left the bar and cried in her friends car. The next day we had a conversation about it with the result being an agreement that we can "hook up". My wife who has OCD immediately jumped into the rule structure of this agreement and came up with some things like i cant use our bed etc. A couple days later i had been thinking about everything and i thought of a rule- "you cant hook up with anyone you've had history with prior to the agreement". I just thought one of us finding out about the other with and old boyfriend/girlfriend might set someone off and it wasn't necessary. She then asked me if this applied to the boy she had almost kissed the other week. I said "i think it does". She asked "why". Here is where it starts getting interesting.
Apparently that guy found my wife on facebook the day before (i totally believe this) and she had already made tentative plans. I explained that i didn't like that she had already had an emotional experience that involved him, that her first "hook up" would be follow up, and that i knew about this guy perusing my wife while she was on a weekend pass. I wasn't mad. It just made me feel a little weird. She said OK and that she would call him and cancel. Well, later she brought it up again and starting tying to make it a conversation about trust and relationships in generally and basically tying to twist my feelings until she could get her way. She was kinda relentless and i also felt like she was tying to annoying me into giving her, her way. Now for the first time i am upset. We fight and she agrees again that she will call him and cancel.
The next day is when she is going to visit a friend and was supposed to hang out with this guy. She is acting weird during the day and i know that she is feeling an anxious about the phone call. Like i said before my wife has OCD and the phone can be real tough for her. It just bugs her out. Eventually, she mentions the call and i tell her i understand phone calls bug you out and that you didn't make these plans thinking that you were doing something wrong but sometimes stuff's not fair and that i think she should do it. She says OK i will call him when I stop for coffee.
She leaves and call me a couple mins later from Starbucks. She tells me she called him and that he told her some story about what he did just to get there etc etc. I tell her i am not scared of this guy but i'm pissed at you b/c i feel like your tying to break me down by being annoying so you can get your way with my blessing. Well, eventually i tell her to go if she wants but that im pissed. She thanks me and goes. A little bit later she calls me from the bar. She tells me she meet him at the bar. Went she got there He and his friend wanted to go to another bar and she said no and told them to just go. She expected me to be happy that she decided not to hang out with him but i was still pretty pissed about the way she acted.
She comes home the next day. I put a sizable fist hole in the wall the night before. We talk things out pretty good. I write her a note the next day telling her that we have to respect each others feelings, share things that are coming b/t us, and if we fight that we need to not just be fighting to win and to fight fair.
We talk more the next couple of days and at some point i tell her if she needed to hang out with this boy then its something she should do but that she cant change my feelings and i dont know how we would work it out. The next day she comes to me and tells me that she got another facebook message from the kid that morning telling her "look if things change and you want to hang out let me know". She tells me that she might want to to. I tell her to sit on it for a while, that i think the best thing for us would be if she put him behind her, but that its her decision. The next day we talk again (pretty drunkenly) and she is again tying to manipulate me into flat out giving my blessing. I feel like the first agruement might be repeating itself just on more civil terms.
The next day i get drunk. I'm upset. She can tell that i am upset. Eventually, i blow up. I tell if she does something with a guy knowing that it will hurt me she is cheating. I tell her she is not respecting my feelings. I tell her that if she does this i honestly dont know if ill be living in this house long. I lay into her. We talk a little and go to bed with it unresolved but getting along. The next morning i wake up angry. She can tell its brothering me and asks why im angry (since we had kinda gotten over the anger the night before)? I shrug and ask her what she thinks our options are. She says she doesn't know and ask me the same question. I say "you can stop being an *******, i can kick this guys *** so he is scared to come around you and then we can work on things, and i dont know". She goes in the shower. Eventually she calls me in and tells me she wont see him. I believe her. The next day (yesterday) we hung out and watched football. We have a good time but i feel the fight must be effecting her and i dont like the way i won this fight at all. I guilted her into scariface. I think it was the right decesion for us but i dont like how it went down. I'm glad she choose me but dont like what i had to do to get there and im not sure how to put true closure on this situation.
Additional details: I really dont care if she hooks up, I dont know if i came across as the jealous type but im really not. If she has hooked up with someone else since this started. I dont know or care. I also dont know how much my wife's OCD played into her "need" to keep this going
Anyway, what do you think? Oh and thank you. I'm a little lost
Last edited by Ewing; 12-12-2011 at 07:43 PM.