I personally will never get involved with a guy whose spouse has veto power. I never want to be discarded to appease someone else's insecurities. If someone has a veto agreement with their spouse/SO, then I know they will always put that relationship above all others and ultimately wouldn't give a crap about my place in his life. I think when a couple opens up to poly, each needs to acknowledge that where hearts are involved, other individuals they have relationships with may eventually reach a place where they are as important and cherished to them as their existing partner is. A veto policy leaves no room for that.
Since P is someone who also has a spouse, the above may not be an issue for her, but she could still feel really shitty if down the road your wife gets upset about something and vetos your relationship. A veto for dealing with jealousy or avoiding the complications of feelings is like putting a band-aid on a broken bone.
Last edited by nycindie; 12-12-2011 at 06:19 AM.