View Single Post
Old 12-11-2011, 07:47 PM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,723

I wrote this elsewhere and while I did so I realized that perhaps the discussion of vetos and the lessons learned by them has not been discussed here.So I am re-posting. Please feel free to add thoughts and comments.
Vetos are not really advised. They are very tricky. On the outside they appear to create some stability and control of emotions and what happens but when it comes down to actually using them they cause more damage than good.

My experience with them has taught me that I prefer to trust my partners that they will consider my boundaries and opinions and make a decision that is good for all of us rather than for just themselves. There have been times where I have had the need to point out different ways of seeing my partners love interest that have meant they have ended a relationship because they hadn't noticed, but I have never said flat out that they cannot see them because I said so. Because we trusted each other and had each others best interest in mind, including the other person involved, a choice was made out of that, not out of an imbalance of control.

I have found that vetos create deception. Communication goes well until the one that has veto rights decides they don't want their partner to see a person, put their foot down and then the communication stops and feelings, thoughts, negotiating boundaries are not discussed any more. The idea is to keep talking. Vetos keep that from happening in my experience.

There is also the other persons feelings to consider. How would it feel to know that someone has vetoed you? Very hurtful. Poly to me is about creating more love and connection, not leaving people wounded and more damaged. Sure, maybe the person is considered to be less than perfect by the partner that has veto power but that doesn't give them a right to express that openly to them by saying, "sorry sucker, you're out!"

I would suggest that you create boundaries that address your wife's need to take things slowly, be involved enough to know who you are interested in, what she would like considered if she is struggling and how to make sure anyone you are interested in spending time with is treated with respect regardless if they are a good match for you.

Dating other people is a group effort between all involved, not a couple calling all the shots and the new person just sucking it up and taking the dregs of what they get in my opinion. People deserve and are entitled to love, support, caring, consideration and respect for who they are and what their life experience has brought them. Honouring them right from the beginning in this way means that in turn that is given back. Its a good foot to stand on when starting a new relationship I think. Its served me well any how.
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote