All my friends are worried about me but none of them are willing to come spend time with me. I need someone to be around to keep me from doing something stupid. I almost cut myself last night. I dont want to die I just want to externalize my pain. Or numb it away with alcohol.
Everyone, including my momther, wants me to check into a hospital but John will be home soon, and I have to get the puppy and I have my daughters birthday party on Saturday and I know they would keep me longer than a few days, as fucked up as I am right now.
Its not just T, its a lot of other things, F spending less time with me now that nre is over and he is hanging with his friends more, without me. Plus he has to make time for T, which I understand. My best friend hasnt seen me in a month and she keeps making excuses for why she cant come over, or doesnt want to... my babydaddy (who she is not with) is having a party for the band tonight, oh this thing you are going to do is not my style, oh, Im already drunk, - excuses from last night, in order, first was when she thought we were just leaving for the event, the other after. She didnt even offer an alternative, like how about F pick me up and bring me over. I consider her my sister and since my real sister isnt talking to me at the moment, I have one female in my life that I can rely on and she is at work right now. And its not T who it should be imo, since she is my gf and all.
And I have my daughter's party to worry about it being great and John is going to be home and I wish I knew how that was going to go down. Im anxious about everything and worrying about everything and its just driving me crazy - quite literally.
Im off the grid and feeling more alone than ever, F had to go to a family only thing today so he couldnt take me with him, though he said he didnt really want to leave me alone he didnt have a choice, they specifically said no girlfriends / boyfriends, etc.
All my friends are too busy for me right now and I want someone, anyone, to be here with me. I cant get in touch with John because his phone isnt on. I cant believe no one is free.
IS the world just against me? I know that none of this directly involves my polyamory but it does involve me, and right now, I need Me to be ok more than anything and I dont know how. Im lost and I cant make decisions on anything, I didnt even really get dressed this morning. Im wearing jeans and a hoodie. Everyone says this seems to be coming from nowhere and I hate when I cant pinpoint a reason, but I know it started before my last counselor session. I mentioned feeling alone to her then. I have another tomorrow and I've asked F to come up with me and help me talk to the counselor.
i know i need help, but i know i dont want to go to the hospital, life is too busy for that right now
- For the pursuit of happiness, not the sit around and wait for happiness -
Jen - bi female
John (Juntas)- husband
M - John's girlfriend