Thank you calya and fuchka for your input!
Yes, the problem is pretty much solved now, but I'm still grateful for your replies because they made me think about this even more and that's never a bad thing.
Originally Posted by calya
But isn't part of having a partner, or many partners, trusting them and their decisions? Both of you acknowledge that your actions and other loves impact each other. Don't we need to trust our lover and partner to use their own judgement and act according to that knowledge? If you are concerned about how his actions will negatively affect you, are you really trusting him to do that?
The problem was exactly that, I felt like I couldn't trust his judgement if he was going to sleep with that drama queen. But it turned out that he was actually just joking about going with her and I just didn't get it at the time and took it seriously. Now that we talked about it, I feel more at ease with this and his decisions in the future.
I thought more about the boundary thing and I still think I don't want him to ask my permission for sleeping with anyone. I don't want veto or anything that resembles that. I don't want much power over him, I want him to make his own decisions. I just need to get comfortable with whatever decisions he'll make and it's easier now that I know he wouldn't do anything crazy.
Originally Posted by fuchka
I love how nuanced emotion can be. Not sure if this is the same feeling you experienced, but I had a similar "bad feeling" earlier this year, and it was helpful to me to 'decode' it a bit further...
For me, when a partner is getting friendly with someone else, I have these conflicting desires. One, is the desire for them to be happy, and safe, and not get messed with. The other is the desire for them to have the freedom to explore, make mistakes.
I found that when Carob started seeing someone else earlier this year, I had a feeling you could call jealousy... but it was more, well, loss of influence and fears around that. I wanted her to treat him well, I wanted him to have a good time. None of this was in my control, though. (In my situation, I didn't know the person too well but I reckon if I had a sense she was "bad drama", these small feelings of disquiet would have been harder to quell.)
It was a really interesting perspective for me, as I understood what Sage had gone through when I got closer to C... you relinquish some of the ability to care for this person, they become more vulnerable and they're going into a space where you might not be able to help them in the same way as you could with other things
(for example, if I was starting a new, challenging job).
Yup, that is a feeling you could class as 'jealousy'... but in most cases it's helpful to unpack it further
Sounds you've resolved this situation with JJ, but your story connected with me so I thought I'd share anyway x
Wow, fuchka, you really hit the nail in the head with this one, so thanks for sharing!
That sounds very very familiar what you describe. I especially love the bolded parts. This has helped me to understand myself more and really process where these feelings come from. This forum is great because of this. <3