"All the lonely people, where do they all belong. All the lonely people, where do they all come from." ~Beatles
When my wife initially approached me a few years ago about opening up our relationship, we were in a much different place. I said no because the terms of the arrangement were very restricted. It was only for one occasion we do every year (4 day event). She wasn't ready to open up in our relationship totally, and neither was I.
A month ago she brings it up again, but this time she wants the doors to be wide open. The restrictions are gone. I can date anyone I want and carry on a full relationship with a gf and she can do the same with a new man. Now I begin to think about it. Butterflies in my stomach, little bit of restlessness, little bit of tension. I'm nervous and scared, because
A) My first marriage was a lesson in the moral pillars of monogamy
B) I am both scared of and turned on by my wife having sex with someone else.
C) We have no sex in our marriage, so I am badly in need of sexual intimacy.
The reasons we are doing this is that we have a good marriage. We work well together, we do love each other, we have many good things in our relationship. except sex. She is not motivated by sex at all. Which is a shame because she is very, very sexy....Now she wants me to be happy, she wants me to be honest with her and not lie to her. I love her for that...truely. I may NEVER find another woman who cares so much for me.
But there is more. She still isn't really interested in having sex. She wants to try a long distance relationship via internet with a friend online. We live in North Carolina and he lives in California. I asked her if she wanted to have sex with him and her answer was less than enthusiastic. But that is just how she is.
When she said "lets have an open marriage" I thought she was going to go crazy like I wanted to. I had a VERY hard time believing that sex with others was not her main goal, because it was very much mine. It's just her....she doesn't want it that much...pure and simple.
As much as I love the idea of starting a whole new relationship, I went through (in some cases still going through) a breakdown of the conventional monogamous paradigm. It really shows me the power of social conditioning, and social norms. It is just mind bending how much we are trained in life by the outdated modes of thought. My first wife would rather see me suffer and divorce me than share me with someone else. (However it turned out she was a total hypocrite and cheated on me)
The pros of polyamory as I see them:
1) I am a very social, very flirty person. I can feel free now and not hold back
2) I feel better about myself knowing that I can love my wife enough to let her go, to find her happiness.
3) I love women. I love to talk to them, I love their voices, I love their company. I will always feel that way. I just get along with them better.
4) There are many things that I want to experience that my wife will not do. Now I have the opportunity to try them.
5) I am going back to college early next year. I need not say more.
6) I felt really good telling my wife that it is okay that she begin a new relationship and not feel jealous.
7) My wife and I are very different people...we enjoy different things, like all couples do. We have things we both like, but the things I like I can do with other women now.
1) Total reprogramming - Not easy to do...but listen to Yoda for encouragement. "Be not afraid to lose the thing you most desire." It is and becomes enlightenment in a very pure form.
Over time the rules we have laid out will change, and we should be open to that possibility.
How many want to share how their rules have changed from the beginning?