Thread: what to do?
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Old 12-09-2011, 05:40 AM
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Originally Posted by Laluna View Post
he says that if i have a relationship with someone eles, he will be hurt, and will do the same himself. i encourage him to for other relationships as i feel it will take the pressure off me abit and stop him pining over me, but he only seems to consider it as retaliation.

unfortunatly my openess about my feelings has backfired, and the only way my daughters father can continue a relationship with me is if i do not see the other boy, unsupervised. i do not need to have a sexual relationship with him. but i would like to speak with him, alone and help him through his issues.

my partner also admitted yesterday that throughout our relationship he has had feelings for other people, but would never concieve of telling me as it seems fruitless to him to risk hurting me when he's not going to act upon his feeling. i am incapable of that as it seems a deception to me. but it seems like he's saying i shouldn't have told him how i feel about the boy as i wasn't going to act upon it either.

i don't know if it's worth continuing this relationship as i don't know for sure if he can handle the poly thing or if he even wants to, or if he's just jumping at any chance to have me but will come to resent me for fbeing unable to give him everything he wants. he hates talking about this stuff as he veiws every dissagreement we have as an argument.
It doesn't sound like either relationship is healthy for you. That means they are also unhealthy for your child, who will be in that environment. Children see and understand far more than most grown-ups give them credit for.

Father: it sounds like he has the makings of a poly but was raised in a mono society and buys into all the propaganda associated therein. That he has had feelings for other people shows that he may be inherently poly. That he believes those feelings are only going to hurt you shows both his insecurity and his mono upbringing. Both insecurity and brainwashing can be remedied, but usually depend on the person wanting to change. It doesn't sound like he's ready and willing to do that, but I could be wrong. At any rate, he has to change himself, you cannot change him.

Other guy: I would stay away. I'm not sure why you thought telling him you had feelings for him would make those feelings go away. Usually that makes them "more real" and also allows the other person to feel safe returning those feelings. It may be too late to return to "just friends" and be in a position to help him through his issues. Also, does he want help? Is he working at recovering from alcoholism, self-abuse and self-hate? If not, then you will not be able to help him through his recovery. Again, this falls under "you can't change someone else."

Overall: My experience is that polyamory is never a "solution" to anything. If there are problems in any relationship, polyamory will magnify them and blow them out of proportion, rather than fix them. If your daughter's father is insecure and possessive, then polyamory will majorly amplify both of those characteristics. If the other guy is an alcoholic self-hater, then polyamory can lead him to drink more in order to "cope" with the jealous feelings that will arise.

Final thoughts: I agree that having a good relationship with the father of your child is important. That doesn't necessarily mean a romantic relationship, and often if the romance has gone sour, then the chances of having a healthy relationship are improved by letting go of the romance and focusing on the co-parenting role.
As I am sure any cat owner will be able to tell you,
someone else putting you in a box is entirely different
from getting into a box yourself.
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