what to do?
just looking for advice on weather or not it seems feasable to attemt a poly relationship with my ex...
history: we have been together 3 years in a mono relationship, we have a 5yr old daughter, i recently broke up with him in search of more freedom and to prove my independance to myself. i love him and because of our daughter need to maintain a good relationship with him.
i am moving state to study and will be living 4 hours away. we have agreed to a poly relationship but he seems reluctant to talk about this and establish boundries. what i have got out of him is that, i can potentilly see other people if that is where my new life leads, but he needs to be eased into this and will require alot of preping. he is accepting of me having relationships with females but finds the thought of me being with another male very threatening. and i must not have any kind of relationship with any male he knows.
he says that if i have a relationship with someone eles, he will be hurt, and will do the same himself. i encourage him to for other relationships as i feel it will take the pressure off me abit and stop him pining over me, but he only seems to consider it as retaliation.
the other big issue is i HAVE been in love with another male for several years and he is a friend to both of us. for most of our relationship i put him out of my mind and refrained from seeing or speaking with him. then about 6 months ago my partner invited him around for the night. this spun me out completely as all the feelings i'd been trying to block out for years hit me full force. i was over come with guilt for what i was feeling, as we where in a mono relationship, and anger and sadness at being made to choose one over the other.
i told my parnter how i was feeling, that it hurt me to feel this way but that it wouldn't change anything about our relationship and that i wasn't leaving him. a few days later i went to see the ther boy to try and purge all my built up emotions by speaking with him about it. i thought if i had some sort of resolution it would help me from being overwhelmed by such feelings again.
i love both the men in my life but neither is suited to me as an ideal life partner, one offers stability and a child but worships me too much and is too possessive. the other is just a downward spiral of self loathing and depression. full of suicidal tendancies and a raging alcoholic and cheater.
i stuggle to see how someone who does not love them self could ever love me. i want to help him and spend time with him esspecially since i'm mmoving away, but i wont commit to someone this self abbusive.
unfortunatly my openess about my feelings has backfired, and the only way my daughters father can continue a relationship with me is if i do not see the other boy, unsupervised. i do not need to have a sexual relationship with him. but i would like to speak with him, alone and help him through his issues.
i've promised to tell my partner if i plan on seeing this boy again. but if i tell him, it will end everything we currently have. whilst my partner talks openly about planning to see this boy frequently.
my partner also admitted yesterday that throughout our relationship he has had feelings for other people, but would never concieve of telling me as it seems fruitless to him to risk hurting me when he's not going to act upon his feeling. i am incapable of that as it seems a deception to me. but it seems like he's saying i shouldn't have told him how i feel about the boy as i wasn't going to act upon it either.
i don't know if it's worth continuing this relationship as i don't know for sure if he can handle the poly thing or if he even wants to, or if he's just jumping at any chance to have me but will come to resent me for fbeing unable to give him everything he wants. he hates talking about this stuff as he veiws every dissagreement we have as an argument.