I don't know what's wrong with me. Lately, for some reason, I've started to have these bad feelings, which I guess you could classify as jealousy. I think.
Before poly I was so not jealous that I hardly knew what that feeling was. After we started, same thing, still not jealous. But it's a very specific situation where this new feeling comes up: JJ in a bar in our hometown hitting on a woman. He had one date with a potential fwb few months ago, that didn't feel bad. He has kissed a few women, one of them in front of me, that didn't feel bad. He has had feelings for someone else and made out with her, that didn't feel bad. I guess the difference in the bar situation is that anyone can see it, and without knowing the agreement we have, feel sorry for me after seeing him getting it on with someone else. Because it's such a small town, you can't really go to a bar without seeing anyone who knows you. I absolutely hate the thought of someone thinking (and maybe gossiping about) that JJ is cheating on me and "poor Mya, there she is sitting alone at home while her husband is doing all that".
I don't know if it's really jealousy or more something like a worry about my/our reputation in our hometown?
And also, now I have a new thing to worry about. The last time me and JJ went out together with friends, he danced with someone for a while. He said she hinted that she would like to sleep with him. When we discussed this at home, I asked whether he would've done it if I hadn't been there. He said that he probably would've. The thing is, I happen to know things about this woman (again, small town
, she's a friend of a friend). And she means drama. Baaad drama. I'm actually really happy JJ didn't do anything with her besides dance, because I can't just distance myself from his life completely and I'm pretty sure that act would've had concequences, bad ones. In general, I fear that he makes bad decisions if he decides to sleep with someone he just met. That's why I didn't feel bad about the date, even if it would've ended in them sleeping together, because at least then he would've known something about her. The same thing with the woman he had feelings for. But someone random - who knows what kind of things she would bring to our lives!
Ok, well maybe these things are not jealousy, but the result of them is the same: I feel like I should set a boundary. But I don't really want to. I want him to do whatever makes him happy and doesn't make me incredibly unhappy. But are these things any of my business? Should I just let go of all the worries? If so, how do I do that?