I'm sort of confused by the issue here. Wanting to meet the women she becomes involved with seems like a very reasonable request, at least it's common in poly. And why do the men have to change anything about the way they do things? If these new issues of feelings, jealousy, and desire for communication are between you and her, can't you come up with guidelines that work for you both but that don't impinge on what your husbands can do?
Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.