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Old 12-07-2011, 01:15 PM
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hyperskeptic hyperskeptic is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 424

Originally Posted by Lila View Post
He said he just can't help how he feels and wants to be open about what's on his mind. What can I say to that? but yes I believe dreamy escapism is part of it...
Don't let him get away with this one. He may not be able to control how he feels, but he'd darn well better be able to control what he does and says.

It may be that one goal of therapy or counseling, for him or for the two of you, could be to help him get some critical distance from what he feels and wants, to help him find out what else is going on that may be causing him to feel this way, and so that he doesn't let his feelings, however strong, disrupt his existing relationships or distract him from his present responsibilities.

It may be that your husband has fallen head-over-heels in love with the idea of polyamory. The idea itself is shiny, new, and exciting, and seems to offer the prospect of him finding a woman who is shiny, new, and exciting.

There are resources on this forum, and elsewhere in the literature of polyamory, about something called "new relationship energy" (NRE). It's the surge of excitement and delight at the beginning of a new relationship that can distract from and so do damage to existing relationships.

Well, your husband may have NRE for the idea of polyamory, which is keeping him from seeing you, your pregnancy, your marriage, and even polyamory itself clearly. There are lots of ideas here for how to handle NRE and prevent the damage it can do. Recognizing it for what it is - a neurochemical addiction, not a moral imperative - is a good first step.

I'll say again that it might do some good for your husband to spend some time with this forum, and even to participate in this thread. If nothing else, he might come away seeing more clearly just how vulnerable all of this makes you feel - which is something he very much needs to see now.

"Ignorance more frequently begets confidence than does knowledge" - Charles Darwin

"Mystical explanations are considered deep. The truth is that they are not even superficial." - Friedrich Nietzsche

Last edited by hyperskeptic; 12-07-2011 at 01:17 PM.
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