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Old 12-07-2011, 05:42 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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In order to successfully transition from a monogamous relationship to a polyamorous one, the relationship needs to be on a firm, secure, and mutually respectful foundation. In other words, you need to address the problems that exist already before trying to add more people into the mix. That will only bring disaster, and is the reason why there is a phrase that illustrates a very wrong-headed approach: "Relationship broken, add people." It is obviously a stupid idea. No amount of branching out into non-monogamy can rest on a cracked and unstable foundation. And it won't work at all if it is not consensual and agreed to by both of you. Don't just given in thinking you have to. There has to be some deep work done first.

You've been married for 20 years, haven't gone out on a date with each other in four - that is a clear indication of a problem. Usually it's something to do with complacency and thinking we know our partner so completely that there is nothing new and fresh about being with them. But when someone is bored, it means they are boring themselves, it isn't the fault of the person they're with. Somewhere along the line, you stopped seeing each other each day as a new person, someone you still want to get to know, and stopped appreciating what you have. I say you both did, because it really isn't one or the other, is it? People do change and grow, even in lo-o-o-ong term monogamous relationships, but we wake up and look at the other person and think it's going to be the same-old, same-old, so why bother.

Fucking other people won't help that. If he doesn't address these issues with you, they will just be accentuated and accelerated with additional partners, whom he will eventually keep casting aside to look for more excitement in the next one, and the next, and the next. In addition, when a married person takes on an additional partner, it is usually recommended that they ramp up attention to their spouse and make sure that the married couple go out on just as many dates as he or she would with the new love interest. No spouse wants to always be left behind with the pile of laundry while their partner is getting jiggy with it across town. So, his getting love and attention elsewhere ain't gonna help nuthin' in your marriage if he is ultimately still avoiding bringing his love and attention back home to you.

And besides, what sane person would want to walk into that dynamic to be involved with him? He'd be using her, placing a burden on her to "fix" what's broken between you two, without doing the work he should to make sure it's a solid place for someone else to want to be a part of. You have a baby on the way - that's what you both need to get ready for, and I think focusing on healing your marriage will be a great way to welcome a new little human being into this world.

No - you both need to come back to your existing relationship, examine why it is not working anymore, and work on healing it before you do anything. Couples Therapy would likely be a very good start. You can also show him this thread and invite him to share his side, so he can express his concerns, reasons, and get feedback.
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 12-07-2011 at 06:07 AM.
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