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Old 12-07-2011, 04:56 AM
Lila Lila is offline
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 18
Unhappy Enforced Polyamory?


I am new to all this, my husband of 20yrs just told me last night that he wants me to consider polyamory. I don't want to, we have had our issues but I think things could be worked out if we made more effort. (ie. we've not been out on a "date night" for over 4 years!)

I guess the only alternatives are living separate lives in the same house (we have a toddler to consider) or divorce.

I can understand that he doesn't want divorce for our sons sake, he says he still loves me but needs a new "dynamic" as he puts it, and has "more love to give" and "we'll both benefit". I just don't see it that way, call me jealous but I'm thinking of all the things he wants to do with a new woman that he never bothers about with me. I am not usually a jealous person and he's given me no reason to be jealous until now, but I think this would push me over the edge.

I feel like I wouldn't be going into it willingly so on that basis alone I doubt it would work.

Is there anyone who has been in this situation and felt pressure to comply? If so, how did it work out? any advice PLEASE!

Between a rock and a hard place.

PS. I'm pregnant, so his timing REALLY sucks!

(edit) further info:

My husband wants a deep and meaningful, loving intimate relationship with one other woman and believes somehow she can fit into our lives and we’d all grow from the experience. Whether she lives with us or not she would somehow be integrated into our family. He doesn’t want a fling (I wish it was that simple!) he doesn’t want to cheat and he doesn’t want to be promiscuous, he doesn’t want to swing or have a “don’t ask don’t tell” policy (unless I'd prefer that).

I appreciate his honesty, but sometimes it seems so brutal that I think my heart will implode! He said he has no-one else to talk to about it, but I find it hard to be objective even though I really do want him to be happy, but right now if feels like it would be at my expense.

I mentioned a long time ago that we really needed couples therapy but for some reason he didn’t want to do it, don’t know if he thought it wouldn’t help or just wasn’t up for sharing the details of our relationship, I will have to ask him about that and convince him it is essential, even just from the point of improving communication and letting go of the past.

I am also responsible for the current state of our relationship, I have no doubt about that. I guess I didn’t realize how bad it was until he got switched onto the idea of having another woman in his life, he has been pondering it for a couple of months now, but I think this polyamory idea only came to him yesterday. He would be happy for me to start a relationship with another man, (post-pregnancy) but it’s just not on my agenda, I don’t want to complicate my life even more! We both agreed that if we were to start over we would choose completely different types of partners for ourselves.

If it wasn’t for our son, we would have divorced a couple of years ago and started fresh. But right now that’s not an option, we want to offer our son the stability that neither of us had when we were kids, (I never knew my father and my husband was from a divorced family with no real father figure). We do not want that for our son. Therefore I seem stuck with either a poly option or living separate lives in the same house in order to ensure stability for our son.

At the moment I’m pretty sure he’s just seeing the positive side of this idea (he admits he’s a dreamy idealist with his head in the clouds!) I don’t think he realizes that it still takes lots of effort to make it work and that there would still be rules and boundaries.

Anyway, I will speak to him about it further and see what we can do, though I am definitely not in any position to decide anything at the moment.

Thanks to you all for your advice, please keep it coming, I’m so grateful that you have taken the time to reply as I’ve no-one else to discuss this with!

Thanks, AnotherConfused I will take you up on that advice!

NB: "Relationship broken, add people." Seems so ridiculous when you put it like that!

Last edited by Lila; 12-07-2011 at 10:17 AM. Reason: further info...feel free to comment!
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