Carob is getting into something (something he's really interested in and passionate about) which will likely have some serious ethical decisions along the way. It's an area I have not much experience in and I don't really know what to think. I feel initially uneasy about some things but I know I haven't explored these ideas much, and I don't really have well-formed opinions on this particular issue. Also, my perspective is skewed because I do come from a place of privilege on this topic, and it's hard to figure how this influences (and possibly invalidates?) my point of view.
I'm feeling, though, that I'd rather simply not care what he does in this case... I'd in some ways prefer to keep my emotional distance, maybe something like DADT but with your personal life! I think that this could work --- unless you expect more closeness than this... ? It's something I haven't thought about much til now, because it hasn't been an issue.
The risk for me is caring too much about his life decisions, and feeling betrayed or upset if he chooses a path that I wouldn't be comfortable with. I'd rather not get this close, I'd rather leave room for us to still be able to be together, even if we disagree on ethical choices like this. This is something that needs me to examine and moderate myself, I guess.
We don't have to agree on everything, and ultimately I value his freedom. There's a baseline moral we agree on, pretty much of the "harm not but do what ye will" variety. However, I have some other concerns that feed into my own moral decisions. These are more personal to me, and not necessarily something I feel comfortable expecting from other people.
Well. I've been disinclined to talk things through with him, and recently he's been telling me how frustrating this is for him. Both of us (like many people, I suppose) work things out through conversations. He's felt like he hasn't had me as a sounding board for his decisions in this area. To quote him directly: "Aren't I allowed to have a moral quandry?"
Yeah, of course he is. And I certainly hope I'm not a holier-than-thou person... I just feel vulnerable somehow. He's going to make whatever decision he wants to, in the end, whether I like it or not. This is as it should be.
I know that talking with him would make things clearer in my mind and also his, it definitely would. So what am I afraid of? I guess I'm afraid of becoming invested in this issue. It's something that's going quite deep for me spiritually. I want to be able to continue adventuring with him (at least in other ways) no matter what he decides to do in this sphere. But I'm scared that if I get into the nitty gritty of this, I'll start to care more, and I'll be open to being hurt more if he sees things differently to me, and acts in ways I find personally objectionable.
Hell, no one's perfect. But this is some heavy shit, something that would be a big deal for me (and is obviously a big deal for him). Ultimately, I'd rather he followed his own path on this one regardless of what I think.
Ah, but he wants to know what I think! I'm finding this hard. I must try to deal with my own hang ups and communicate as much as I can. I understand where he's coming from - of course he'd rather work it through together. But I can't bring myself to get in the boat on this one if we don't both get to hold the rudder.
Last edited by fuchka; 12-07-2011 at 01:48 AM.