Let me explain what I titled the 'melodramatic' discussion about stopping BDSM.
He's a very introspective and quiet person, he until getting into the BDSM scene was never timid though and had great success picking up girls online etc. But his behavior (sometimes he would walk away from conversations - something he's done to me for YEARS), pretending to not hear about parties or telephone numbers when people were clearly trying to invite or giving you a telephone number came off as rude and impolite. People were trying to be friends with him and he just didn't get the memo.
In the talk I told him that whatever decision he made I would respect it and that if he didn't want to do any of it anymore I would stop and it wouldn't be a problem. It wasn't something I expected to do for the rest of my life with such energy. He told me that he really didn't want to stop, it was just that he felt like no one there really liked him or found him attractive and that he wasn't getting any play - which was demoralizing and hurt his feelings. So it wasn't that he DIDN'T want to be involved, it's that he felt he couldn't get involved. So less than a week later, he wanted to go to a party - I said if he was sure then ok. We went out with friends and a lesbian couple we knew wanted to sleep at our place. We ended up in a foursome, where I was very happily marginally involved (happy for him). After that he was happy, ecstatic, etc and told me that he was happy that I had been encouraging him to do what he did.
It has worked for me to go off and pick up girls for us, a few girls came over to play, he would have sex with me and have light involvement with the girl (out of his own retiscence). Finally with one of our partners he told me that I should escalate the situation because he would never do it on his own. So as a scene for them (a shared partner I knew would enjoy it) I 'locked' them in a closet for a quickie alone while I watched. He always wanted me to escalate the situation with other partners for him, it's not that he didn't want to do this - it's that he wanted me to make it happen and I'm not really sure why.