I've been lurking the the threads for a few weeks and now I've finally decided to get a bit of advice about my own situation.
I'm a 23 year old bisexual woman who is in a 5 year relationship with a 36 year old straight man. We're involved in our city's BDSM scene and are sort of evolving from a semi-monogamish relationship into - well I'm not really sure where this is going.
For years we had been having semi-irregular threesomes with great women and had relationships with them but eventually things would fizzle out or circumstances would sort of end our relationships. Then we came into the BDSM scene and I was quite popular with the pretty young girls, unfortunately my partner wasn't as popular because he would shut down and wouldn't engage in flirting etc. I continually tried to help him and advised him on how his approach wasn't working - this situation continued for months. He wasn't entirely unsuccessful we have now several partners together and continue to see them. After awhile I succumbed to the desire of having lots of lady sex and asked permission for it and we evolved the relationship a bit, I encouraged him to do the same but he continually told me it wasn't possible. I forced him to negotiate with me and to create an agreement for us so that I would know what was ok and what was not and how I could avoid hurting him. But then for the 5 or 6 months I had tons of lady love (and also planned tons of regular fun with our shared partners for both of us), he continually made comments about 'how much fun' I was having, and how he was having no fun. Completely ignoring the two partners we shared together and the several women we had had great scenes with. When told he was being mean and passive aggressive, he refused to acknowledge any problem and told me that I couldn't expect him to not comment on my doings but then continually told me he was ok with what I was doing. Not only that, at parties and events I always tried to plan scenes with him, gave him first dibs on my dance card etc - but he NEVER seemed interested and the few times I forced him to play with me and set up dates with others for us both, he completely sabotaged them. Or worse made it seem like it was a chore for him.
Finally after a melodramatic crisis (where he threatened to leave the BDSM scene he brought us to and tried to convince me I didn't need to stop), I managed to convince him to try for himself and explained EXACTLY and brutally what he was doing wrong and how it was hurting him, and me. Eventually he listened to what I had been telling him for months and started looking but refused to negotiate the new terms of our relationship. For another Month and a half he continued to refuse to negotiate the new terms of our relationship and the new boundaries etc.
Two Saturdays ago we woke up in the morning and were about to do some work in the basement, I again tried to get him to negotiate with me and at least have a conversation about him getting his own play partners which he told me he was pursuing. He then told me it was totally irrational to say that it was likely he would get a play partner easily and he would discuss it when it seemed likely to happen. I told him that I didn't like surprises and that I wouldn't appreciate being surprised by something and that I would rather discuss before it's likely. He refused to discuss it again and I let it go. that evening we went to a party we played a bit together, he was in a good mood and we played with another friend of ours and then I went out for a cigarette.
When I came back in 5 minutes later he was tying up, fondling and beating another girl. No warning, no notice, not even a glance while he was doing it. I stayed calm. It was a small apartment so I had a drink, stayed a bit then quietly went to the rest room to have a mini-freak out. I came back out they were still going, so I quietly sucked it up and chatted nervously with friends. When they were done, I waited a bit - chatted quietly and then went out for another cigarette. My partner came out looking at me nervously - by then I was livid and a bit tipsy. I quietly and privately told him that I didn't appreciate being surprised, brought up the morning's discussion and told him that I had stepped out for only a moment - he couldn't have let me know about what he was about to do?!
He apologized acknowledged that he was wrong and we went home a short while later. It was late and I was a bit drunk so we didn't negotiate then, but I had a bit of angry sex with him. The next evening we had an already planned date with a partner who was quite skittish and busy so we went ahead with the date and she ended up leaving early anyway - so after some dinner I brought up the situation the night before and told him I still wasn't happy with him and the way he had gotten his play situation, but that I was ok with him having play partners. He got angry at me, saying how I didn't have a right to be angry because of all the partners I had. I reminded him that I always had a conversation with him beforehand and sought permission. He told me it wouldn't have been possible to get permission. I asked him how it was that he couldn't have said " just one moment let me go to the bathroom, get my supplies, got talk to my partner... etc". Would she have immediately run away or something?
Anyway we were both pissed at each other and the negotiation went badly. I ended up capitulating and he got the right to do whatever he wanted without permission or even talking to me - including going out on dates alone. And when I brought up the possibility of me doing the same he became vengeful and asked me if it was so I could be out 6 nights a week on dates. Then told me I was trying to keep score.
That last part really hurt my feelings and it still hurts a week later.
I have previous permission to go out on dates with shared partners when he is out of town, to do relationship upkeep and because I get lonely (and he's often out of town for a few weeks at a time). I rarely do anything with our other partners than cuddle a bit and then we talk about him, or her other partners. I don't get to be particularly intimate with any of my play partners and avoid it because he has always said that he doesn't want to shared my affections. But now he wants to go out on dates alone and get play partners but won't concede that a date is generally more of a connection builder than sex, and that it's emotionally threatening to me.
How can I approach fixing this situation? How can I make him believe that I value him and our relationship, even though he assumes I don't? How can I make him understand that he needs to be open and honest about his desires and needs?
I don't know what to do with this situation - it hurts because I feel like not only does he assume I don't value him, he doesn't value my opinions or my feelings.