Ok, I have maybe 15 minutes. lol
I've almost always found myself being interested or loving more than one person at a time, but I never knew the term polyamory. I just assumed there was something wrong with me or that I was incapable of commitment, or even of "real" love due to these feelings. But, often, I'd deny the feelings for the other and not act outside my committed relationship. Other times, I'd unfortunately cheat on my mono partner. This was mostly when I was younger and almost always at the point where the relationship was breaking down anyway. Alot of times I'd go from one mono relationship directly into the next either through cheating or through breaking off the first relationship when I knew cheating was imminent. Do not pass go, do not collect $200. Then again, as I've stated before, many of my relationships were with men who wouldn't exactly be considered good people. I've often wondered if I chose them knowing I couldn't be mono and not wanting to hurt good people. That's another topic.
I had one boyfriend who I felt was actually very good to me and we were engaged. I didn't feel I needed anything else in a man. However, I am bisexual and at that time had never had a relationship with a woman and was very curious. He was the first person I trusted enough and loved enough to be honest with about this side of me. It wasn't met well. Besides being called disgusting and unnatural, he began to completely monopolize my time and cut my female friends off from me. (I realized later that this controlling aspect had always been his MO as he had cut off my friendships with males in the past, limited my social life, and even told me how to dress. Ah how love blinds us.)
I ended up cheating on him with a female friend. But I wouldn't call it poly-not by my definition. She was also bicurious and had never had a female partner. We were friends with benefits essentially and she ended up trying to use me to spice up her relationship with her boyfriend. I broke it off. The fiance and I split up after I couldn't live with myself going behind his back anymore and I had developed feelings for another male friend. Back to serial monogamy for me. Then the new guy and I split and the fiance wanted me back. For a long time I was sick of it all and dated both of them on and off and even occasionally saw the woman. I was not happy. It all came to a head one day and I lost everyone.
None of this was what I wanted or my definition of poly. Until N, who was the ONLY person who saw me for who I am and loved and accepted me for it, I had never lived a poly life. Until I fell for P (Ns best friend) after years of friendship, I had never considered that I COULD live a poly life. And, until I was able to tell them both openly and honestly how I felt and was thrilled to find I could have them both, I never would have called myself truly poly.
Now that the relationship with P is over and she has apparently chosen to exile herself, I don't feel inclined to seek out another relationship. I don't want another relationship with a man. I still consider myself bisexual. But, it would take a very special woman and very intense feelings for me to revisit poly. I couldn't seek out a woman because of my sexual attraction or even emotional attraction to women. It would have to be another fall on my lap situation. And, until then, I'll remain happily mono with my husband. If it never happens, that's ok too. I don't think poly is really in the ACT of having multiple loving relationships so much as in the CAPACITY to do so. So I'm non-practicing poly at the moment.
I hope some of this made sense. I'm sleep deprived. lol
I'd rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I am not.