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Old 12-06-2011, 06:10 AM
InfinitePossibility InfinitePossibility is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 505
Default I could do with some advice

So - I have an issue that causes me grief and also arguments between me and my SO. I would really appreciate thoughts and any advice that people have.

The problem is that I have a need for changes of plan to be communicated to me in a way that makes me feel as if I have been thought about, considered and am important. I'm talking here about plans changing because of life getting in the way rather than as the result of a life and death situation.

I know that this seems very minor but I have a very strong emotional reaction to plans changing and it being communicated in a way that seems to dismiss me. I become upset and angry beyond what is reasonable for the situation.

This causes problems between my SO and I - he becomes defensive and angry too. And then we fight.

I would like to be able to stop having such a strong response partly for the benefit of our relationship. But mostly for myself - I don't like these feelings and while I think a certain amount of annoyance over suddenly changed plans is okay - I feel that my level of emotion is just too much.

I know very much where it comes from. It is very much rooted in and part of a deep fear of being abandoned.

I know rationally that my reaction is over the top - and also, not at all necessary. I fear being abandoned because I grew up feeling as though I wasn't as important as my younger siblings. While I understand why I feel like that, I now understand it to be false.

What happened was - at various times starting when I was very young and for various reasons, my siblings have been demanding and needed help from our parents. I have always been self-contained and capable and so tended to be left to get on with things while they were being helped. My parents only had so much time to go around and also they always saw me as not needing any help - mostly quite rightly. I mostly didn't need help.

The result was that I had repeated experiences of being left alone often very suddenly when my siblings needed help (I suspect a great many eldest children have similar experiences).

I think that my feelings on this are ridiculous - my parents love me and see me as very much part of the family. My feeling that I am not as wanted is understandable but not correct (or at least, only correct in my world).

I get along very well with my siblings - my amazing sister especially as she lives near enough to see quite regularly.

So - I see where my extreme emotional response comes from but I have no idea how to get rid of it. I wondered if any of you guys have any ideas?

Thanks in advance.

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