T and I are stepping back our relationship, she's uncomfortable with where we were, so we are stepping back. It should be nice to just cuddle and stuff without the pressure of sex. I think Im looking forward to it.
F and T are going to do some errands that F told me we would do today on Sat. I found out through T, not F that he invited her to go, and implied only she was going. I decided to not get upset about it, at least not publicly. I told F that it bothered me because he said we'd do it, and he apologized. It involves going to meet his ex-wife, so Im not sure how I feel about him taking her. I so want to show up his ex. Thats a personal thing, and I know it is. I know I need to get over it.
My counselor says its an a-b-c thing, there is an event that makes me feel x, that only i can change to y. I can't control a.
I can't control how other people feel or think or what they want. All I can do is change how I feel, think, etc.
I can choose to be grateful to F for what I get from him, he gives me so much. And he asks for nothing, I try to give him anything he wants and all that he needs, though I know that I can't thats why he has T too. Sometimes the best thing you can do is allow them to care about someone else. Allow them to find someone who can fill them the rest of the way up.
Im a jumble of emotions. My thoughts are flitting from place to place. I dont even know what I am thinking. Im writing to look at this later and see what I was feeling and thinking
I know my thoughts are irrational and I have no basis to think them but I still feel like Im loosing him. I still feel like I am all alone. Things like him not coming to bed last night really hurt me. I need to feel like I have his attention 100% at least for a little while everyday.
Ill need to have that time with T whenever possible and I will need that time with John too. How do I make time for everyone? How do I feel like all my relationships are in a good place. I have to get what I need from these relationships. Right now, John gets up to 2 hours with me every night, over the phone, and it makes me feel connected and secure in our relationship.
I know I need that one-on-one time. Im needy I guess. I need everyday time. even if its just a little while. Over the phone works, when its the only option, but in-person and un-distracted is best for my needs.
Being strong willed about me needs is probably my problem. I really need to talk to F about my needs and that he has to fulfill those needs. I have the right to be happy and to be happy how I want to be happy, with the things that make me happy.
There are things that annoy me, but those are not things that dont make me happy. The things that annoy me only annoy me because Im not getting what I need.
Im just rambling I know, but I need a place I can separate my thoughts into reasonable and unreasonable.
I have no idea if anyone reads this, but I know Im crazy, I have proof. I know Im difficult, I know I demand a lot, and Im thankful for those who have been able to give me what I need and make me happy.
- For the pursuit of happiness, not the sit around and wait for happiness -
Jen - bi female
John (Juntas)- husband
M - John's girlfriend